Guys, I think this might be it for Miguel Tejada. His numbers have dropped for the third year in a row, he’s swinging at everything, he can’t adequately play the only position his bat (sort of) qualifies him for, he has the sixth-lowest WAR in baseball this year and he’s about to be crowded out of the Giants’ lineup. His play itself has become a metaphor for the Giants’ recent roster decisions:

off-tejada-s-shin_o_GIFSoup.com

That’s Tejada at third. That’s his replacement, Brandon Crawford, at short. That was Friday night.

His mini hot streak aside, this could be the final time he plays on Sunday Night Baseball. So let’s commemorate his career as the 25th greatest position player 5′ 9″ or shorter in baseball history.

Box score:

A.

Miguel Tejada’s career, in one commercial:

Miguel Tejada, Aging Bobby Abreu, Aging Carlos Delgado.

  • Assistant director: Which two do you want to have fielding?
  • Director: ¿Qué carajo. ¿Por qué me dan esta mierda? No puedo trabajar en estas condiciones. Voy a dejar de fumar y convertirse en un astronauta. Mostrar estos hijos de puta que no pueden mierda sobre mí.
  • Assistant director: Tej—
  • Director: Not Tejada.

By Total Zone, Miguel Tejada has given away the 11th most runs as a shortstop in baseball history.

B.

Before 1995, four shortstops in history had hit 30 home runs in a season. Thirty home runs used to mean something, back in my day, get off my lawn, etc. Miguel Tejada did it four times all by himself. I’m not telling you anything new when I say that home run hitting was silly from 1995 to 2004 or so. In those 10 years, 126 different players hit at least 30 home runs in a season, compared to 71 from 1985-1994, and 49 from ’75 to ’84 and ’65 to ’74.

So I made a Sporcle quiz! This one is a lot more fun than the last one I did. Dustin scored 102, which is crazy impressive (I inputed the data and I got about that many when I tested it), so I guess that’s the score to beat. I’ll get you started: Terry Steinbach. Really! Terry Steinbach.

C.

Speaking of 1995 to 2004 and Miguel Tejada, the other day I noticed the full list of supplements banned by Major League Baseball, which are posted in major league clubhouses. Many of them have scientific-sounding names, like Dtmethazine or E-Pol Inslinsified. Some are simply descriptive, like Forged Lean Mass or Grow Tabs. And then there are a bunch that sound like they’re manufactured in a nightmare factory, marketed by meth addicts and sold to criminals. Following are the names of 10 banned supplements. And 10 bands that have played at the Gathering of the Juggalos. Which do you think are the supplements?

  1. Revenge
  2. Jacked Up
  3. Loco
  4. Bobaflex
  5. Jet Fuel
  6. Nasty Mass
  7. Spawn
  8. Prozak
  9. Rehab
  10. Liquid Assassin
  11. Rage
  12. Killa-C
  13. Beastmaster
  14. Dieabolik
  15. Thermal Shock
  16. God Forbid
  17. Monster Caps
  18. Animal Pak
  19. Jungle Warfare
  20. Vile

Answers at the bottom.

D.

I was googling around looking for information on Tejada’s nickname, “La Gua Gua,” which is Spanish for “The Bus.” Since Google is more or less dominated by Bleacher Report, the top result was a B/R slideshow about Chris Berman nicknames. There’s a lot of criticism of Bleacher Report for its sexist slideshows, its tasteless slideshows, and its downright ignorant slideshows. What gets me every time is how slapdash their stuff is. This slideshow on Chris Berman nicknames doesn’t require any skill, and hardly requires any effort. But could it possibly have been done more half-heartedly than this?

Annotated Bleacher Report:

A.

If we judge Berman’s nicknames at least partially on how well they adhere to established Berman-nicknaming conventions, this is actually one of his lesser names. Nearly all Berman nicknames go: First name followed by nickname leading into surname. Sam “Marilyn Monroe should have married Henry” Miller, for instance.

Only occasionally will Berman resort to the last name leading into the nickname, or the last name embedded in the nickname, and when he does it is an admission of failure. Even allowing that Chris Berman nicknames are nearly all garbage, this one is garbagier. It shouldn’t be this high on the oh my gosh I’m debating the order of a stupid Bleacher Report ranking slideshow.

B.

Mike A., the author of this piece, describes himself thusly:

I’m currently a Featured Columnist here at Bleacher Report, and my specialty is ranking things. There’s nothing more exciting to me than putting things into order.

C.

Photo of Miguel Tejada playing for a team that, at the time, he hadn’t played for in two years.

D.

By all means, click “Next.” You’ll get this:

Jeff “Brown Paper” Bagwell.

This nickname was just plain awesome.

Who doesn’t love brown paper bags?

They’re the “cool” thing to bring your lunch to school in these days.

I’m about 35 percent sure that Mike A. is screwing with us.

E.

This piece has 3,753 views. Multiply that by 22, for each photo, and it’s terrifying how much traffic Bleacher Report gets.

Answers to C: The supplements are 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 11, 15, 17, 18, 19

Sam Miller is a baseball writer who covers the Angels for the Orange County Register. He is on Twitter.

Comments (13)

  1. Maybe it’s just me, but the boxscore and some of the other graphics did not load.

  2. Also, Mike A. is not a pseudonym for me, our writing styles are merely very similar.

  3. My keyboard is now soaked in spat out coffee. Well done.

  4. I got to 62 on that sporcle before I gave up. I forgot Jeremy Burnitz existed….

    • I think 62 is around what I would have gotten if I’d played it blind. Dustin’s score is scary good.

  5. I’m usually terrible at those things too. I stared at the Cleveland one above Manny Ramirez for at least a third of the total time. Couldn’t even picture Jim Thome in an Indians uniform.

  6. I’m really disappointed that Nasty Mass didn’t stick for Frank Thomas’ nickname.

  7. Can’t believe I forgot Bernard Gilkey.

  8. “Finding a sports fan who doesn’t know who he is would be hard, but finding one that doesn’t like him might be even harder.”
    There is simply no way that Mike A. is not screwing with us right?!?!?

    • Five lines that make me think he might be screwing with us:

      5. “(Harold Baines) would be one of the first inductees into the nickname Hall of Fame, if that ever opens.”

      4. “This nickname was perfect. Who doesn’t like pepperoni pizza? Who doesn’t like Mike Piazza?”

      3. “I mean how could you not laugh when a wide receiver makes a diving catch, and is called well-dressed?”

      2. “Walt Disney was smart, but Chris Berman is genius.”

      1. “Where he came up with it I don’t know, but it was nicknames like these that made it easier to believe he graduated from Brown University.”

      I’d love to see B/R get infiltrated by a few ironists, so we could play “B/R — Are They Screwing With Us” for every article.

    • Hahaha. That’s just so well put.

  9. Weird, I got exactly 62 as well. Rafael Palmeiro was the most boring 500-homer-hitter of all-time.

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