I love America. Seriously, I do. Is there any place on earth where man’s regression is more accepted? Where entitlement reigns supreme? Where each are truly their own?

Take, for example, this recent four sentence news story describing a man’s frantic search for his television’s remote control and the resulting phone call to the authorities.

A 97-year-old man who wanted to watch a Milwaukee Brewers game called 911 to report someone had stolen his remote control.

According to the Greenfield police report:

The man called 911 to report someone had stolen his remote control from his residence in the 9300 block of West Howard Avenue prior to 8 p.m. Sept. 26.

The remote control was found after police responded, so the man was able to watch the Brewers game.

This reminds me of my camp counselling days as a teenager when elementary school students spent their summer torturing me with their incessant cries of theft whenever they’d lose any of their belongings.

It was never:

I can’t find my baseball glove.

It was always:

Someone stole my baseball glove.

The last line of the article may be one of the most beautifully constructed pieces of condescension ever written.