No one predicted a St. Louis/Texas World Series.  No one.  Okay, fine, if you end up in an elevator alone with Peter Gammons, he’ll happily tell you that he envisioned this match-up months ago while slugging daiquiris with Eric Clapton in Panama City.  Now, the rest of us had no idea.

In fact, neither “St. Louis” nor “Texas” were written on 2011 World Series prediction forms that were submitted by 45 of ESPN’s MLB experts.  No one had the foresight to predict this match-up, and thus, very few analysts have legitimate domain expertise for both squads.  That’s why we’re reaching out to the information superhighway to guide our analysis.

Coaching Comparison: Ron Washington vs. Tony La Russa

By indexing search queries across time, Google can intelligently guess our inquiries as we type.  So basically, it’s the voice of the World.  No small task.  Here, we compare the skippers from Texas and St. Louis.

We see that the world thinks they’re both idiots, but Tony La Russa is (apparently) more of a “douche” than an “idiot”.  However, Washington’s past drug use is prevalent in his search suggestions.  So much, in fact, that the world regularly believes he’s a squeaky-voiced crack addict played by Dave Chappelle.

Advantage: St. Louis Cardinals

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Franchise Legacy: Cardinals vs. Rangers

The Cardinals have sent 42 players and 13 managers to the MLB Hall of Fame.  Conversely, the Rangers have only sent 5 players and 2 managers to the hallowed land in Cooperstown, NY.  However, the Rangers originated in 1961, so this contrast isn’t really fair.

Let’s move on to something that is: a debate of the better franchise Canseco.

Ozzie Canseco accumulated 46 AB’s with the Cardinals in ’92 and ’93 while aggregating zero home runs.  Meanwhile, brother Jose played three-years for the Rangers while hitting 44 net home runs.  While his numbers paled in comparison to his days in Oakland, he did knock a fly ball over the wall with his coconut.  And he did it while wearing a Rangers jersey.  That’s legacy, kids.

Advantage: Texas Rangers

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Team Management: Nolan Ryan vs. John Mozeliak

Both the Rangers and the Cardinals experienced tremendous late-season resurgence, but the Rangers did so without any major mid-season acquisitions.  Cardinals GM John Mozeliak, on the other hand, dealt Colby Rasmus to acquire three key pieces of their revamped pitching staff (Edwin Jackson, Octavio Dotel and Mark Rzepczynski).

Giving the edge to Mozeliak and the Cardinals over Nolan Ryan and the Rangers seems like an obvious move.  However, if push comes to shove in a World Series meet-and-greet, we’re guessing Nolan Ryan could dismember Mozeliak using only a ballpoint pen.

Advantage: Texas Rangers

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Fan Base: Rangers vs. Cardinals

We return to Google and observe the first image that is returned by searching for “texas rangers fan” and “st. louis cardinals fan”, respectively.  What say thee, Google?

The Cardinals image is what we would expect; a morbidly-obese Midwesterner, proudly displaying custom team ink.  The Rangers image isn’t quite as stereotypical.  We expected a leather-faced man wearing a 10-gallon cowboy hat branded with a Rangers logo.  Nevertheless, there’s more than meets the eye here.

Clearly, the Rangers fan attended the game unprepared and inattentive.  No matter how lame, that type of thing would never happen to a sheep in St. Louis’ “best fans in baseball” flock.

Advantage: St. Louis Cardinals

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Mascots: Rangers Captain vs. Fredbird

Longevity is big in the mascot community.  Because both franchises have much different pasts, their respective mascots do as well.  Fredbird was hatched (hey-o) in 1979 and the Rangers mascot, “Rangers Captain” hasn’t even celebrated his 10th birthday yet (est. 2003).

Conceptually, we tolerate mascots that either directly or indirectly reference their team name.  For the Cardinals, it makes sense to have a giant red bird walking around.  For the Rangers, the mascot relationship a little less obvious, but we like the portrayal of a horse to represent the preferred method of transportation in the greater state of Texas.

We’re going to give the edge here to St. Louis, only because Texas missed out on a huge mascot opportunity.  No offense to the equine or furry mascots in general, but the Texas Rangers’ mascot should be nothing more than a Chuck Norris look-alike.  He’d become an instant cult hero across baseball.

Advantage: St. Louis Cardinals

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(World Series coverage on The Score brought to you by Matt Sebek and Josh Bacott from JoeSportsFan.com.  They hail from St. Louis, but do not have tattoos, mullet or Firebird convertibles.   Promise.)

Comments (6)

  1. That Cards mascot always looks like he’s starring in an incredibly racist vaudeville sketch from 1925.

  2. Good call on Chuck Norris mascot, but you should have gone with a headlock joke re the Ryan-Mozeliak fight. Dismembering someone with a ball point pen makes no sense (unless done by Chuck Norris).

  3. If the cards got the edge in the GM race, I’d have to kill someone. That fucking scarf.

  4. Jon Daniels > Chuck Norris

  5. I think you’re missing the most important part in the Rangers fan photo.

    The girl behind him.

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