There has been some pretty strained writing about Albert Pujols in the past week. There was the article that talked about what great news this is for the A’s, who will now get some more attendance revenue because Pujols will be playing some road games there? There was the LA Times article that posited that Pujols might be 39 years old? There are the columns that have nothing new to say so they’re just a collection of #jokes. I don’t blame the writers. When the whole world is writing about the same topic, the strain on individual writers is too much. There’s just not that much to write. There are way too many of us!

There has also been some great writing, most of it in sexy Twitter spam messages. For some reason, Albert Pujols is a popular term in sexy Twitter spam messages. This isn’t a joke I’m making. This is real talk. Sexy Twitter spam messages. These are the Albert Pujols sexy Twitter spam messages from the past 12 hours, along with hot and sexy Google Image results for key phrases:

@myxegebife seeking a relationship, not mainly sex, we can text to hold, boring late night, Brunch Chew pujols

@fisecumi Single men: lets explore 1 tonight, looking for friend and, Athlete for a bit of fun, gray toyota albertpujols.

@kamibopexa Chat sexy: Leavin late, Black Top Seeking out that Good Black ATL Booty, Starbucks Spill, Lets Jerk albert pujols.

@saxiqiguzy Cheating wifes: Young virgin likes to lose it, Waiting to be glad?, lots in fakes, Sweet Ga Peach Needed pujols

@ybuworuz Hot girls: Romantic Night in Hot spa, Super Horny Bttm, shemale hatfield, I can see you albert pujols.

@ebususy Hot mom: Sexy pictures/vids?, Lunch and whatever will come next, God help me, can come blow me and go pujols.

@puwudebozu Disabled dating: I’m sorry Monica, Campfire cuddle buddy, Mad sexy scientist, Green Mill Tonite albert pujols.

Slightly different, but similar, are the Albert Pujols weight-loss spam:

@balemnnuia4 Have a Free Money to lose Weight Just For calling 1-866-945-3077 Albert Pujols My Wife and Kid

And this cryptic message, that has been tweeted by multiple spam/porn accounts:

@peggy18962 Pujols gon have EVERY latina bop he wants here in California man.

Somebody suggested to me that Brunch Chew would make a fine nickname for Pujols. “New city, new nickname.” He’s right! There are many fine nicknames here:

  • Brunch Chew
  • Latina Bop
  • Mad Sexy Scientist
  • Green Mill Tonight
  • Campfire Cuddle Buddy
  • Shemale Hatfield
  • Starbucks Spill
  • Gray Toyota
The Albert Pujols Sexy Spam Nickname Generator could be our generation’s Wu-Tang Name Generator. Just call me I’m Sorry Monica.
Dr. Jeff, who gave us the nickname idea, asked in return that we mention his very cool effort to give transit tickets to people who need them. Sam Miller is a baseball writer who covers the Angels for the Orange County Register. He is on Twitter.