How Jon Heyman Spends His Mornings

CBS Sports’ Jon Heyman has made the online act of trolling into a very fine science.

I can almost see him, coffee percolating, bagel in the toaster, his computer on the marble top island in his kitchen, putting the finishing touches on a tweet purposely written to cause a reaction.

He pauses for a second while hovering over the “Tweet” button. It’s not because of a question of conscience. It’s because he wants to enjoy the following moments to the fullest. He wants to watch the uproar he causes among the blogger set that he loves to poke. He wants his toasted bagel and coffee mug to be in front of him as the ire comes down.

And then he sends his ultimately ephemeral message into the world, steps away from the computer, pours his coffee, butters his bagel and sits down in time to see the first of the many, many messages from irate followers in response to his tweet.

The smile of smug satisfaction comes across his face as he takes solace in the work of Le Provocateur being done.

Comments (23)

  1. Didn’t realize Morris was a Boras client.

  2. Heyman is pushing so hard for Jack Morris that I bet Jack has Scott Boras managing his HOF campaign.

  3. Dammit, too slow.

  4. Everybody trolls. Everybody. Twitter has just exposed that everybody is a passive aggressive condescending asshole. So why are some allowed to be and others not? How about we focus on the misguided message not the method of delivery. Oh, and Heyman is a douche.

    • I don’t think it’s a matter of exposing people so much as making it so damn convenient to express otherwise needlessly-expressed thoughts. (Yes, probably like this one.)

  5. He was saying the same thing on MLB Network the other day in a round table discussion with Brian Kelly, Jay Jaffe and others. All I kept thinking was how fucking arrogant it was especially considering Kelly and Jaffe DID see him pitch in his prime. That’s the only argument he has… “I saw him play”. Was he the only person alive in the 80s or something? Fuck.

    See, I let him get to me. Damn him and his bagel. I bet you it’s an everything bagel too. That self-indulgent bastard.

  6. I’m with Travis; everything bagels SHOULD be inducted into the HOF!

    • Having never seen an everything bagel in real life I looked up ingredients and pictures online and I tell you it beats the shit out of regular old bagels. everything bagels should be in the hof not regular bagels

  7. Ah twitter…you see, if he wasn’t shackled by the 160 character limit the sentance would have gone on to say…

    …bec their stat guru, friends, colleague, fellow ball player, amateur, GM, coach, blogger, stylist, publicist, and gardiner said so.

  8. If Morris was inducted into the HOF based upon that single game against Atlanta in 1991, I wouldn’t have any problem with that.

    How’s that for trolling?

  9. Heyman’s lack of punctuation or capitalization on words makes his tweets very difficult to read. It took me a few minutes to even realize what the hell he was trying to say here.

    • I find it bizarre that some professional writers choose to completely throw basic grammar and punctuation out the window when they tweet. I get that the character limit is annoying, but you’d think that somebody who has literally dedicated his life to writing wouldn’t be able to so easily just throw away the basic rules of language like that.

      Wait… Jon Heyman only uses proper grammar and punctuation when he absolutely has to – maybe he’s just writing to the score?

  10. I’m ok with Jack Morris in the hall…

    …as long as Dave Steib goes first.

    • Juxtaposed with the comment about professional writers using better spelling, I find this hilarious. You’d think 25 years would be enough time for Jays fans to learn how to spell Stieb.

  11. While not completely out of the realm of possibility, Heyman most likely has an island made of granite, not marble. Homes in North America usually keep marble in the bathrooms.
    Otherwise, keep up the good work Dustin.

  12. I’m too young to have watched Jack Morris in his prime, but I certainly remember his latter years (’91-’94) and even then it seemed he was a very good pitcher with teh fear. If you asked childhood me who the best pitchers in baseball were, Morris’ name certainly would have been in the conversation, along with Dave Steib, Tom Henke, and Roger Clemens. However, with the benefit of sober second thought and intellectual and emotional growth, I realize now that likely only one of those men belongs in the Hall of Fame, and the one that does most likely will never sniff it. Funny thing, that.

  13. I never saw Lefty Grove pitch. I never saw Steve Carlton pitch. I never saw Tom Seaver pitch. Yet I have no problem believing those men are Hall of Famers. Oh, how can this be?!?! It’s like I looked at their numbers and saw how good they were and made a rational decision! And yet if I do the same for Jack Morris, I’m apparently not capable of making a rational decision – instead I must be relying on my ‘stat guru’.
    If what makes Jack Morris a Hall of Famer cannot be found in statistics, then Jon Heyman must make that case. It’s your job to convince me, Heyman, because I look at the stats of all the HOF pitchers and Morris doesn’t appear to match up well. Are we going to have this same argument about Jamie Moyer in several years?

  14. Before talking about whether he’s a HOF candidate we all have to agree Jack Morris was one of the top 5 pitchers in the 80′s. Everyone brings up Steib (rightly so) as someone better than Morris who should go into the HOF but who else would from that decade? Morris was feared but he did pitch in an era that did not have as many dominant pitchers.

    Also, I did see Jack Morris pitch but it it was never anything so special that it stood out from any other good pitcher. It’s not like he had the Steib slider or the air of inevitability Eckersly had. He always felt like a Jack McDowell, Dwight Gooden or David Cone. A definate ace but one of the best ever in the game? I didn’t feel it at the time.

  15. Heyman and others wouldn’t troll if some people didn’t keep taking the bait every time.

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