What?  Don’t look at me like that.  You know you’ve watched it.  You know you loved it.  It’s a classic of 1980s cinema.  It had Molly Ringwald at her most Ringwaldian.  Anthony Michael Hall!  Emilio Estevez!  Ally Sheedy!  Judd Nelson!  Come on.  Just go with me here.

The film, as you know, brings together five students from the fictional Shermer High School, who are forced to spend Saturday together in detention, in the school’s library, under the less than watchful eye of Principle Vernon.  They are supposed to be writing essays about who they think they are, but instead spend the day talking, sneaking around the school, throwing an impromptu dance party, and pairing off.  This is where it gets interesting:

Albert Pujols and the Angels are just perfect for one another right now, which is a little like Emilio Estevez and Ally Sheedy…

I love this pairing.  First of all, Sheedy’s character is nuts.  She’s a compulsive liar who at times claims to be a nymphomaniac and a drunk, steals Anthony Michael Hall’s wallet, threatens to run away, and claims she’s only there because she had nothing better to do.  She constantly needs to be the center of attention and seems incredibly unstable.  Estevez, meanwhile, is supposed to be one of the school’s royalty.  He’s a jock and is popular, and is pressured by his father to live up to some kind of manly ideal.  At the end of the film, despite the fact that the two aren’t an obvious fit, like Estevez and Ringwald would be, they end up together.

It’s going to be great…for three months.  The two will moon over each other in the lunchroom.  She’s going to get access to all his cool friends.  The sweaty teenage making out is going to be awesome.  But there will be warning signs.  She’ll start to get jealous and call him late at night.  He’s going to get busy with his wrestling and football and have less time for her, and lose patience.  Then, it’s going to end in the middle of a crowded hallway.  Everyone is going to hear her screaming and him yelling.  It’s going to be messy.

Likewise, Albert and the Angels weren’t a great fit.  New GM Josh Byrnes Jerry DiPoto (why do I confuse them all the time? I have no idea) had stressed that the club was not planning to spend big, and they already had Mark Trumbo and Kendrys Morales as options at 1B and DH.  But out of nowhere, the Angels struck on both Pujols and CJ Wilson, and now look like prohibitive favorites in the AL West.  And they should remain that way for the next few years.  Pujols will continue to mash.  But by the end of the deal, when Pujols is in decline and in his late 30s and early 40s, he’s going to be making between $25-30 million per season.  That’s potentially going to be a drag on the Angels, who won’t be able to unload him to another team, and the breakup could be ugly.

That said, I’ll bet if you could go back to talk to fictional Emilio 20 years later, he’s going to look back on his three crazy months of fights and make up sessions with fictional Ally Sheedy, and smile.  Because sometimes, crazy can be the best, even if it doesn’t end well.  Pujols gives the Angels a huge advantage for the next few years, and Angels fans will reap all the benefits.

Michael Cuddyer and the Rockies are going to crash and burn, just like Molly Ringwald and Judd Nelson…

This was so weird to see on the screen.  Molly Ringwald’s character is so squeaky clean that she must bathe in hand sanitizer.  She was the constant butt of Judd Nelson’s jokes.  Dressed down to his greasiest, Nelson sneered his way through the film, intimidating everyone with his posture, his hostility, and his bulk.  And he develops a fixation on Ringwald’s princess for having a life easier than his own, and brutally tears her apart at every opportunity.  And yet, at the end of the movie, she slips into the supply closet where Judd Nelson has been stashed to have some makey-outy time together.

These two are doomed.  She wants a bad boy to get back at her parents, and he seems to hate everything she stands for.  The film wants us to see this pairing as romantic, but I mostly see tragedy.  The emotional abuse these two are going to heap on one another over the rest of their time at high school will be epic, and both of them will emerge with pretty significant scars from the experience.  Plus, their bargain is struck at an expensive price, as she gives him her diamond earring to seal the deal.  You know, no matter what happens, there’s no way she’s getting that back.

Over the next three years, the Rockies are going to be similarly stuck with Michael Cuddyer.  Cuddyer is a decent player, especially against left-handed pitchers, but he’s significantly limited.  His offense against righties is sub-par for a corner outfielder, and his range in the outfield is pretty small.  Colorado, meanwhile, had other options to play in the outfield both in-house and via free agency who would cover more ground than Cuddyer and provide relatively similar offense.  And for the privilege of penciling in Cuddyer’s name against Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain, Ryan Vogelsong, Daniel Hudson, Ian Kennedy, Trevor Cahill, for the next three seasons, when he’ll be 33, 34, and 35 years old, the Rockies are paying a premium at $31.5 million.  Cuddyer’s performance is going to look ok at first glance, because he’ll be playing at altitude so often, but Rockies fans should be resenting this deal already.

Prince Fielder still doesn’t have anyone.  He’s all alone.  Which reminds me of Anthony Michael Hall…

Did you know that Anthony Michael Hall is 44 years old?  Think about that.  44…years…old.  Poor Anthony Michael Hall.  He was so typecast by his work as the skinny nerd in the mid-80s that he never really broke out of his role until 2002’s The Dead Zone TV show.  For almost 20 years, he was just the skinny virginal geek from John Hughes movies.  And, while everyone else is pairing off at the end of the movie, falling victim to their youthful hormones and wooed by the hotness of their co-stars, Anthony Michael Hall is left in the middle of the library, writing a letter for the group that Principal Vernon asked each of them to write.  He is doing their homework while they hook up.  Alone.

Like Anthony Michael Hall, Prince Fielder is the last big free agent standing.  He’s all alone, and shopping his services to anyone that will have him.  Seattle’s got their first baseman in Justin Smoak, big DH in Jesus Montero, and potentially another 1B-DH in Mike Carp.  The Cubs traded for Anthony Rizzo.  The Brewers signed Aramis Ramirez.  The Giants have no money, and the Cardinals signed Carlos Beltran.  The Rangers and the Nationals seem to be the only players left, but there’s every indication that Fielder is going to have to come down from his demands in order to get a multi-year deal this offseason.   Fielder stands alone, and with every passing day, gets closer and closer to seeing his big payday slip away without a partner willing pony up.