If you were fortunate enough to have been following Jose Canseco’s twitter feed lately, you’re undoubtedly aware that Jose’s umpteenth comeback in Mexico (the plot for which, by the way, was blatantly ripped off from Eastbound and Down, which Jose probably thought was a documentary) has hit a bit of a snag. Yes, the most notorious user of “performance enhancing” drugs in baseball history (perhaps in world history) was suspended by the league for failing to take a drug test last week.
According to Mexican League president Plinio Escalante, refusing to take a test is considered the same as failing it, and thus Canseco’s Mexican career seemed to be over before it could even get started. Predictably, Jose didn’t take this well, and given A) his lack of any kind of self-control and B) the existence of a medium that encourages unedited snap responses, the results were amazing and sad.
While there’s no way to adequately summarize Canseco’s feed, in which he has dispensed digital hugs to haters (including Bud Selig), promised to kick all their asses, proposed creating an army to “exterminate” them, talked about chasing his dreams, vowed to play ball again or die trying, and challenged Shaquille O’Neal to a fight. Here are a few of my favorites [Ed note: storified for fun and profit.]
Who indeed, Jose? Who would want you out of baseball? After painstaking research this weekend, and traveling the country to conduct interviews, I have compiled the following partial list of people “in on it” and their motives:
Terry Steinbach – I was a damn good catcher on three straight American League pennant winners, but nobody noticed me, dammit. Nobody notices the catcher with the 101 career OPS+ when they’re standing next to the freaking Cuban Incredible Hulk.
Ruben Sierra – I was a star until they traded me to Oakland for Canseco. That park ruined my career. I never would have been an Oakland A if it wasn’t for him!
Glenallen Hill – There’s only one lefty-mashing OF/DH midseason pickup on the 2000 Yankees, and that was me. ME!
Michael Dukakis – His 40/40 campaign took valuable attention away from my important Presidential campaign. So I had to climb into a tank to get attention.
George W. Bush – He did not exemplify the character and forthrightitude to lead my Rangers, like Juan Gonzalez, Ken Caminiti, and Rafael Palmeiro.
George H.W. Bush – He made Georgie look bad.
Johnny Knoxville – He steadfastly refuses to inject steroids into my ass in Jackass 4.
Danny McBride and Will Farrell – Under no circumstances can he make it back to the Majors before our fictional creation, the violent, self-destructive, megalomaniac Kenny Powers, who we based on Canseco even though he’s actually a much closer fit for John Rocker and we went to Mexico before Jose did.
OJ Simpson – He writes a book admitting he did it and gets back in the Majors? I don’t think so. Hell, I only wrote a work speculating how I would have murdered my ex-wife if I had done it, and they won’t let me stay at the Y anymore.
Mental Health Professionals – Jose’s shitty life helps the rest of North America to feel better about their own pointless days. He’s like human Prozac. Plus, we use his tweets as a teaching tool for our medical students on bipolar disorder.
Nicolas Cage – Because nobody gets to say crazier things, or owe more money to the IRS, than me!
The Illuminati – Because sometimes, we just eff around with people. You know, for kicks.
Bud Selig – Because Jose Canseco represents everything that once was wrong with this game. And while I used to willfully ignore such unpleasantness, I can’t do that anymore.
Mexican League President Plinio Escalante – Porque Bud Selig me dijo que lo hiciera.
Ozzie Canseco – Because
@twintower7264 finally joined twitter. still not as good as me.
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) March 12, 2012