While The Common Man detailed Jose Canseco’s aggressive plan for dealing with “haters” this morning, his brother Ozzie has is own ideas. Ozzie runs a baseball school and, instead of world domination, he wants to groom the young baseballers of today into the Major Leaguers of tomorrow.

How does Ozzie intend on achieving this feat? With a surname that doesn’t trade very well in the baseball community, Ozzie must take a different tack – mind control.

This is the home page for Ozzie Canseco’s futurestarsbaseball.info, the site purportedly run by one Ozzie Canseco and features NO LESS THAN 8 CLIPART ANIMATED GIF STARS (which I circled in purple because I’m helpful like that.) How do you know if a baseball school is good for your kids? MOAR STARZ!

That is a lot of wacky rotating stars, is it not? You haven’t seen anything yet, bub. More stars than you can even handle!

All of the stars! Every single little star in the background of this page is animated, given this page the kind of seasick quality you just don’t see any more. You also don’t see many grainy, out-of-focus, sideways images on the professional website (it’s in flash!) of a business in 2012 but here we are.

Clicking through to the rest of the site really is a treat, unless you are prone to fits or spasms. Read Ozzie’s bio while stars shoot out of the screen at your face! These Canseco brothers don’t do anything halfway, do they?

Hat tip to Matt Sussman, three-time defending Brier champion.