Happy Anniversary You Shit Box

Fenway Park is celebrating its 100th Anniversary today in Boston, and it is completely ludicrous.

No, I’m not writing about the parading out of former Red Sox players, some of whom seemed uncertain as to where they were (including Jose Canseco). Nor am I writing about the toast conducted by an inebriated Kevin Millar and Pedro Martinez, who both appeared to have been practicing said toast a bit too much prior to delivering it.

What’s ludicrous is that the ancient monument to stupidity is being celebrated instead of torn down.

I understand that on the occasion of birthdays and anniversaries it’s common for human beings to be complimentary, but the amount of drivel being spewed forth from writers and commentators today is entirely too much. Prior to today, I was unaware that a building was capable of receiving fellatio, especially one as old as Fenway.

As a ballpark, the confines are ridiculous.

A hundred years ago, building an enormous 37 foot wall in left field might have been a valid method for getting around the limitations of the location, but in 2012 the only thing it’s valid for is explaining why Wade Boggs collected so many doubles over the course of his career.

That idiotic wall is called the Green Monster, but in center field there’s an even bigger monstrosity.  There is an actual triangle formed into the walls out there which at one point reaches the incredible length of 420 feet from home plate.

I wouldn’t dare suggest that cookie cutters be used to design all future baseball stadiums, but there is no charm in arbitrarily positioning rows of seats to run into each other at awkward angles.

Using phrases like “charm” to describe baseball stadiums is the equivalent of using “enjoys long walks in the park” for a dating profile. It immediately translates into stupid, boring and ugly.

Even worse, is when a franchise manipulates the structure of its playing field to favour its own team, which was done at Fenway with the introduction of “Williamsburg” in 1940.

See that unnecessary bullpen area in right center field adding another fiord of ridiculousness into the outfield wall?

Yep, it was put there more than 70 years ago so that Ted Williams could hit more home runs. Now, it’s another laughable section of a decrepit stadium attempting to fool us into feeling nostalgia for poor decisions from the past.

In right field, we also have Peskey’s Pole which at the outfield wall meets a crooked foul line that runs around like the dotted dashes we’re more likely to see in a Family Circus cartoon reenacting where all the characters have traveled than a proper stadium.

All of these horrid features combine to directly influence the results of the games being played there. People want to put asterisks on the accomplishments of steroid users? If we’re going to look at outside sources influencing results, I think we might do better to start looking into the Fenway field where whatever it is that’s being played there shares a deeper resemblance to impromptu stick ball than actual Major League Baseball.

Instead, it acts as a cruel muse to sports writers wishing they had a flowerier side than they do. Fenway Park isn’t romantic. It’s a shit hole for players and spectators alike.

Seriously, go to a game there. If the foul reek of century old urine stains don’t upset you, surely the crick in your neck will convince you that there is nothing magical about the old stadium. You see, more than half of the seats at Fenway are pointed in directions other than home plate or the pitcher’s mound.

I’m sorry. I know you probably spent a ton of money to get tickets to one of the always sold out games there, but don’t pretend you had an enjoyable time as part of a justification for your rapidly declining bank balance.

Whenever I hear about how glorious Fenway Park is, I always remember a story from Bill “Spaceman” Lee. He had just gotten called up to the Majors for the first time and was driving to the stadium. He ended up reporting to the manager an hour late because he couldn’t find the stadium on Yawkey Way. He kept mistaking it for just another warehouse. That’s not a baseball stadium, that’s a piece of shit building.

Playing in a stadium that’s 100 years old isn’t something to be celebrated. It’s something to be embarrassed about. Move on. Even Detroit understands this concept.