One Rule To Abide By

At a baseball game, there are several bits of etiquette that should be followed:

  • Limit your movement to and from your seat during at bats;
  • Stand up, don’t remain seated when people need past you to get to their seats;
  • Keep your shirt on (literally);
  • Don’t pretend to talk to the person next to you when you’re actually speaking for the “benefit” of everyone in your section;
  • Heckle players, but avoid foul language;
  • Participate in the seventh inning stretch;
  • Don’t complain about how expensive concessions are (we’re all already aware);
  • Have fun; and
  • Loudly chastise anyone participating in the wave.

However, there is only one hard rule that you absolutely must abide:

There is no crying in baseball.

Look at this entitled little child. Crying, because an adult beat you to a baseball, both fairly and squarely? What are you, like three years old? Give me a break.

I jest of course. The real rule is:

If you are over the age of twelve and you get your hands on a baseball at a game, give that ball to someone who is twelve years old or younger. They will appreciate it infinitely more than you, you cynical jerk face

This grown man, and I use the term loosely, is so pleased with himself for picking up a ball from the ground that he immediately shows it off to his lady friend, and then goes to collect bro fives from the section behind him.

If your accompaniment for the evening is more impressed with a baseball that you picked up off the ground, as a child weeps beside you, than with you actually handing over that baseball to the upset toddler, I would wager that you two deserve each other in every way imaginable. In fact, I hope you two enjoy several years of selfishness together that culminates in a messy divorce that ruins you both.

Have a nice day.