How much KAPOWER does your favourite team have? Do they have the KAPOWER to compete with the most POWERFUL teams in baseball? Can their KAPOWERS slay the Dragon Warlock? Can their 80 ARM-HAMMER OF THOR cut down the RUNNING POWER OF THE 70+ SPEED ELF?
There’s no way to know. Except the standings. But what do the standings tell you about KAPOWER?
Nothing. They only tell you about results. And results are what happens when reality refuses to bend to the will of KAPOWER! Results are the shadow cast by the mind of Baseball Cthulhu.
We summon you, Giant Timeless Squid Thing of the Unfathomable Geometry.
These are your KAPOWER! RANKINGS!!!
Tampa Bay Rays: The Rays continue to play chess instead of checkers and we’ve seen how this has worked for them against the Rangers and Mariners, who try as they might, couldn’t SMASH THEIR CHESSBOARD WITH BATS!!!
Texas Rangers: The Rangers early season success is due to some excellent hitting, pitching and not being one strike away from winning the World Series.
Los Angeles Dodgers: Is there magic in those magic beans that Magic Johnson bought the Los Angeles Dodgers for? Nope. But there is Matt Kemp.
St. Louis Cardinals: Mike Matheny has produced great results with this Cardinals team by using a Quija Board to contact Tony LaRussa.
Washington Nationals: This team has all the tools to remain red hot, including a new heater in the dugout, some mittens, sixteen bottles of bourbon and a young rookie phenom.
Baltimore Orioles: The Orioles are doing that thing where they give their fans a little backrub before sticking a rusty knife into their hearts.
Atlanta Braves: Michael Bourn continues to set the table for Freddie Freeman and Jason Heyward. They seem less than enthused about his arrangement of the cutlery. Freeman is still looking for the salad fork. Heyward dislikes the table cloth.
Cleveland Indians: This team is still sticking with that name.
Toronto Blue Jays: Despite switching to those little souvenir bats, this team has somehow managed to win games. Rumour is, they have a man behind home plate telling the pitcher what to throw.
New York Yankees: The Yankees are doing well but struggling to balance a team of ageing youngsters with deathless senior citizens.
Chicago White Sox: Philip Humber’s life peaked at 29. All downhill from here, chum. Hope you brought your skis.
Arizona Diamondbacks: All was going well until the Arizonia offence wandered into the desert on a mescaline fueled vision quest.
Detroit Tigers: With the team failing to hit, left fielder Delmon Young has taken a page from regretful German history and is ill advisedly trying to unite the team with antisemitic outbursts. They should be in Poland by September.
New York Mets: The Mets are making a noble effort to claw out of the inter-dimensional limbo they’ve been in since the Yankees ripped a hole in the space time continuum.
Cincinnati Reds: In light of Ozzie Guillen’s comments, this team issued a statement saying that they’re not ‘that type of reds’ as a means of distancing themselves from the revolution.
San Francisco Giants: With some good hitting . . . wait. That can’t be right, can it?
Colorado Rockies: They’re on a rocky mountain high. Like that guy in Better Off Dead who was on all the blow.
Miami Marlins: Having caught a brief but severe case of the Ozzies, this Marlins team will now travel around the National League apologizing for Stalin, Lenin and all that nasty gulag business.
Philadelphia Phillies: Most of the team has now moved to an assisted living community.
Los Angeles Angels: Earlier this week, Albert Pujols shocked Angels fans when he forgot to remove his Tony LaRussa wig and revealed that they are, in fact, the same man.
Milwaukee Brewers: With Ryan Braun spending the bulk of his time drawing pictures of Prince Fielder on his binder, this team is struggling to heal a broken heart.
Oakland Athletics: Like many a man before home, Bartolo Colon has found a steady supply of goat hearts and baby blood in America’s second most depressing city.
Boston Red Sox: Replacing chicken wings and beer with pork chops and black tar heroin has not had the desired results in Boston. They continue to search for the right balance of drugs and food.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Still reeling from the shutdown of MegaUpload, this team has been disappointed with the slow speeds of bit torrents and has launched a series of publicity stunts involving 3D printing and satellites.
Seattle Mariners: The Mariners continue to try to balance small town respectability with its secrets. This task will get more difficult with the arrival of special agent Dale Cooper.
Houston Astros: Already exceeding expectations, the Astros got a hit.
San Diego Padres: A combination of prayer and hair shirts has led to little success for the friars.
Kansas City Royals: Now that the differences between golf and baseball has been explained to a young Royals squad, look for this team to try to put more runs on the board than their opponents.
Minnesota Twins: Twins fans were disturbed to find Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau stand in the hall, wearing matching outfits and asking Minnesota to play with them forever and ever and ever.
Chicago Cubs: Why even fight the Baseball Gods? The Cubs got that commercial. That’ll just have to do.