I hate you.

Quote puns are back with a 19th century German philosopher vengeance, y’all!

This week we’ve got stupid things said by Ken Rosenthal, stupider things said by Broson Arroyo, and more stupider things said by me.

I am thrilled to see we have the most educated players, but they are only as smart as their win/loss record.

In one sentence, Diamondbacks president Derrick Hall showed why a column on the lack of college grads in baseball is a waste of time. Very, very impressive work, sir.

We should have scored a few runs early, that was the problem.

Mark Texeira clearly went to the Pat Tabler School Of What It Takes To Win Baseball Games. Lessons include: “you need to score more runs than the other team”, “you score more runs if you have men on base” and “the first inning is the most important inning.”

Growing up in Brazil, you would never think of [playing in the majors], coming out here and having it, it seems like it happened so fast, so I definitely have to take it in. I’m really proud of it. It’s an honor to represent my country.

Yan Gomes makes me not want to be a cynical douchebag. At least until the next quote. Kind of a really cool story.

There’s a big difference between going into a game and overpowering guys in a clutch situation than it is to face guys three or four times.

Way to boost the confidence of a young teammate, Bronson Arroyo. What are you going to say to Aroldis Chapman when he eventually does start? “Good luck out there, kid. I have a complete and utter lack of faith in you.” What a chode.

The fans like it, when your fans like something, you have to be responsive to that and sensitive to it.

Please find me the fans that like Interleague play, Bud Selig. I’d like to have words with them. Harsh, horrible words.

It’s easiest to put this behind me, I feel like this is an opportunity for me to end it. Plus, getting it reduced, it was a coin flip. We didn’t know if they were going to reduce the games or whatnot. I think it’s just easy enough to suck this one up and take these four games and move on.

Lawrie to English Translation: I probably should have gotten more than four games for acting like a petulant child so I’m just going to drop it and I’ll see you guys on Monday.

We have no reason to think about doing anything with the fences, the park is playing fair. It’s a pitcher-friendly park, but there’s an ability to hit home runs.

How many times do I have to tell you, Miami? If you’re going to do anything to those god damn fences, change the colour. I’m so done with this stadium, it’s the worst.

For all the uproar over Josh Beckett’s ill-timed golf outing, Josh Hamilton’s headfirst slide on a wet tarp in Baltimore last week was probably the more reckless act. Hamilton missed a series in Toronto from April 30 to May 2 with a sore back, yet received virtually no criticism for frolicking with his teammates in the rain just one week later.

Shut up, Ken Rosenthal.

This team’s been beat up more than any I’ve ever had, (in terms of) front-line players, there’s never any sympathy for anybody, so don’t even bother to go there.

I won’t and you ain’t getting any anyway, Davey Johnson. Yeah you’ve lost a bunch of guys but the Dodgers just lost Matt Kemp. That’s worth like three Jayson Werths. Maybe four. Heh, worth Werths. …I hate myself.