The mystical Lovecraftian beast living just below the surface of baseball, its fearsome geometry too terrifying to be looked upon by man lest he is driven insane by a mere glimpse of its unfathomable intangibles but manifesting, always manifesting, in chicken wings and beers, it tentacles reaching, always reaching, upwards to pull any wayward team into its unthinkable grasp.
KAPOWER, yatches. The most ratchet of The Baseball Gods.
Los Angeles Dodgers: The Dodgers have received some great pitching and defence but, then again, they have been playing the Giants who, when they hit the ball, often hit it real slow.
Baltimore Orioles: After being asked to leave professional baseball, the Orioles have gone on a Phillip K. Disk-esque tear through the fabric of reality. Buck Showalter publicly mused that we might all be living inside a computer game being played by a Oriole’s fan.
Texas Rangers: If you added up the distance of all the homeruns Josh Hamilton hit and combined it into one massive homerun, it would land halfway to the basecamp on Albert Pujols’ mountain of money.
Tampa Bay Rays: After discovering an inefficiency in Tropicana’s Mr. Fusion model fusion generator, Doc Maddon made some changes to the flux capacitor and the Rays now have an offense.
Atlanta Braves: Chipper Jones caused some controversy last week when he stole Jamie Moyer’s bowl of oatmeal then declared himself “too old be called Chipper” before demanding to be referred to as “Mr. Chips.” Atlanta media has complied.
Washington Nationals: Hoping to score a run, the Nats called up teenager Bryce Harper, who responded in grand style by hitting the ball with his haircut and breaking Jayson Werth’s wrist with a handshake.
St. Louis Cardinals: The Cardinals continue their search for Chris Carpenter who was last seen fishing with Roy Halladay.
Cleveland Indians: You know what never gets old? Having a hate crime on your hat.
New York Mets: The Mets continue to impress at home but baseball is investigating allegations that the team is moving their outfield fences between innings.
Toronto Blue Jays: After Toronto pitchers AJ Burnett and Felix Hernandez pitched back to back complete game shutouts, Adam Lind was taken behind a shed and shot.
New York Yankees: Sadness in New York as Mariano Rivera concluded his pact with Satan by being struck down on the warning track by a lightning bolt.
Miami Marlins: Ozzie looks to improve the lacklustre bullpen by getting them to face homeplate when they pitch. He has publicly expressed dismay at Heath Bell’s reply that he’d love to “but the hitters are there.”
Cincinnati Reds: When the disparity between their results and peripherals were pointed out. Cincinnati pitchers responded by screaming that they were in over their heads and running to the exits.
Oakland Athletics: After traversing the vast forbidden zone to finally reach the baseball diamond, the Athletics have complained that they’re too tired to play.
Philadelphia Phillies: Romance is in the air as Handsome Cole Hamels hit Bryce Harper with a pitch. He later said he ‘just wanted to get the young man’s attention and chasing him with worms just wasn’t doing it.’ Bryce Harper then stole home and Cole’s heart.
San Francisco Giants: Tim Linceum raised eyebrows last week when he hotboxed the pitcher’s mound then blamed his lack of velocity on the microchip the FBI planted in him as part of their prolonged surveillance program.
Boston Red Sox: The progress Bobby Valentine made when he convinced this scruffy band of multimillionaires to leave the horses and polo-mallets at home was quickly undone by a golf game in the outfield during the second inning of an 18-2 loss.
Pittsburgh Pirates: Andrew McCuthen has redecorated second base with a La-Z-Boy and television set. He figures he might be spending some time there.
Detroit Tigers: Having rid themselves of perennial bring-down and malcontent Brandon Inge, the Tigers have struggled to replace his offensive output.
Chicago White Sox: Adam Dunn has cleared up any belief that he hates baseball by telling the media that it’s America he hates. “And everything it stands for. If that includes baseball, so be it.”
Houston Astros: The Astros have shown some improvement after last year by learning where first base is located. (Brett Wallace, it turns out, left the marker flag in the wrong location.)
Arizona Diamondbacks: Shocked to discover that losing games by one run is the same as losing by ten, the D-Backs have have vowed to not even bother anymore because the whole thing is rigged.
Los Angeles Angles: Albert responded to a day off by murdering the Rangers catcher, pointing at the fans who booed him and mouthing the words: “You’re next.”
Milwaukee Brewers: Polish Sausage continues to dominate the race while Hot Dog has faced some tough questions about his romantic entanglement with Front Row Amy.
Colorado Rockies: Totally giving up on pitching in that insane asylum, the Rockies have decided to go with a rotation made of position players and the occasional geriatric.
Kansas City Royals: After winning a game at Kaufman Stadium, the Royals took to the Internet to write a post about the importance of inner beauty.
Seattle Mariners: Jesus Montereo hit a home run off his old team New York. At the time of writing we are still waiting for him to make his way around the bases so that the season can continue.
Chicago Cubs: Unable to hit a baseball, the Cubs have responded by sacrificing their closer, two chickens and a goat on first base. Critics pointed out that aside from Starlin Castro, that goat was the best hitter they had.
San Diego Padres: Dodgers center fielder Matt Kemp has been asked to lend his bat to the Padres while he rests on the DL. He has, so far, refused.
Minnesota Twins: It’s a simple game. You catch the ball, you . . . Wait . . . There’s a ball?