The KAPOWER Rankings

More important than power is KAPOWER.

The mystical Lovecraftian beast living just below the surface of baseball, its fearsome geometry too terrifying to be looked upon by man lest he is driven insane by a mere glimpse of its unfathomable intangibles but manifesting, always manifesting, in chicken wings and beers, it tentacles reaching, always reaching, upwards to pull any wayward team into its unthinkable grasp.

KAPOWER, yatches. The most ratchet of The Baseball Gods.

Los Angeles Dodgers: Having now won the mandatory twenty-five games, some of these against real teams, the Dodgers secured themselves a playoff spot and forestalled a move back to Brooklyn.

Texas Rangers: Pleased with the ongoing party-pooping of Josh Hamilton, Jesus has given him much to celebrate to test his will. Sweet, sadistic Jesus.

Baltimore Orioles: The Orioles great season was revealed as a ruse by Satan when they mortgaged their soul to His Evil Majesty’s local representative, Adam Jones, with a contract signed in blood on the centerfield wall of picturesque Camden Yards.

Tampa Bay Rays: A brief panic in Tampa caused by Maddon misplacing his calculator was calmed when he and Zobrist broke into the abandoned wreckage of the American space program and gained access to top of the line, 1980s NASA equipment.

Washington Nationals: By using a new payment plan, this team has been able to split each run into quarters then split them over four games. With their pitching, this has been enough to gain a winning record.

Cincinnati Reds: This team has taken its fans on a rollercoaster. Not in Cincinnati, however. Cincinnati has no rollercoasters.

Chicago White Sox: Just for jokes, the White Sox switched uniforms with the Cubs during inter-league play and were surprised to discover that they swept themselves.

Miami Marlins: Aside from manager, Ozzie Guilin continuing to run into controversy with Miami locals, this time by pointing out that a certain former German chancellor was a vegetarian, the Marlins have been successful by leaning heavily on the brittle frame of Austin Kearns.

New York Mets: Should just be happy I included them.

Cleveland: Chris Perez’s complaints about a lazy, poverty stricken fanbase or as he termed it “listless drunken paupers” went unheard by fans who can no longer afford hydro, Internet or newspapers.

San Francisco Giants: The Giants have surprised and disappointed Major League Baseball by stealing bases, which they have sold for a total of six runs over their last fourteen games.

St Louis Cardinals: I prefer to call it a differently-abled list. And these abilities are very different than the ones required to play professional baseball.

Atlanta Braves: Tim Hudson, Chipper Jones, this team is a 1000 years young today.

New York Yankees: Using parts procured from the corpse of Michael Pineda and Mariano, the Yankees reanimated Andy Pettitte, who promptly threw a girl into a pond.

Toronto Blue Jays: Brett Lawrie shocked the Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame when he flipped over a table and threw a water cooler during his induction ceremony. Outraged umpires responded by shrinking the batter’s box and hiding the bases.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Albert Pujols has left the team to do a one man show at various playhouses in southern California. “Young At Heart” purports to explain his side of the story. Attendance and critical reception has been uneven at best. Mike Trout liked it.

Philadelphia Phillies: Charlie Manuel continues to look young by surrounding himself with older players.

Boston Red Sox: With ownership threatening to ration the team’s champagne supply, Boston coaches blamed the visiting Tampa Bay Rays and led a brief but unsuccessful assault against Luke Scott.

Pittsburgh Pirates: After almost being no-hit by Justin Verlander, Andrew McCutchen has been seen sitting on second base and texting his friends because “not like I’m going anywhere.”

Detroit Tigers: With the city cutting streetlights in order to corral the citizens out of the forbidden zone, fans from this Mad Max like deathscape have been seen hungrily eyeing the meaty Prince Fielder.

Houston Astros: A team of grief councillors has been dispatched to Houston as someone will finally try to tell them that they will share a division with the Texas Rangers.

Oakland Athletics: The recent introduction of televisions and telescopes into the Colosseum so that fans can see the game has met with mixed reactions. As one fan explained: “It’s nice to be finally see the team but disappointing that it’s Oakland. And where did Coco’s hair go?”

Arizona Diamondbacks: Having returned from their vision quest into the desert, a mescaline addled Diamondback team declared: “Hey, it’s only baseball.”

Milwaukee Brewers: Impatient fans have started to doubt the front office’s story that Prince Fielder is just visiting relatives on a farm and will be back any day now.

Kansas City Royals: Garbage. More freakin’ garbage.

Seattle Mariners: When the bright spot on your team is Kevin Millwood, you’re the Seattle Mariners.

Colorado Rockies: The Rockies have discovered that the NL West has a basement and, what’s worse, it keeps its stuffed mother in it.

Chicago Cubs: The Cub’s season reached its depressing highpoint when Kerry Woods left the team.

Minnesota Twins: The team has decided that “playing baseball the right way” was a little ambitious for this year’s squad and decided to concentrate on basics like showing up sober (more or less), holding the bat right end up and how to know what hand you throw with.

San Diego Padres: Playing in a park designed for pitching and defence, the Padres forgot to bring either pitchers or defenders and have instead relied on the batting prowess of a couple of ghosts they met in the attic of their friend’s uncle’s house.