Who Is Aroldis Chapman?

Aroldis Chapman is very good. Of this, I’m quite certain. What I’m not so certain about is who Aroldis Chapman is. Now, I know who Chapman is in the sense that there’s a pitcher for the Cincinnati Reds named Aroldis Chapman, and I’m aware that what he does to opposing batters is a form of cruelty seldom seen in the annals of baseball history.

But the man himself, outside of the success at his profession, is something of a mystery that’s more mysterious than most baseball players, who if we’re being honest, tend not to be the most complicated and therefore not the most mysterious of people off the field.

Chapman is an exception.

Not just because he enjoys speeding his vehicle at velocities that would make this blogger release equal amounts of liquid both from his eyes and in his pants. Nor merely because it’s alleged that he worked with the Cuban State Security apparatus and helped organize the arrest, imprisonment, and torture of a Cuban-American.

This time, Aroldis Chapman is an exception because burglars, who conned their way into his hotel room in Pittsburgh while he was away, tied up a woman who was in the room with cloth napkins and left her there after they had finished thieving. Police found her still tied up after hotel guests on the same floor heard her cries for help and presumably alerted the authorities.

So, a tied up woman was found in Aroldis Chapman’s hotel room the other night.

Considering the interesting life that Chapman leads, there is only one conclusion that can be drawn: he is quite obviously a spy. And judging by the relative ease with which I figured out that he’s a spy, I would further suggest that his success in the field of espionage is inversely proportional to his success as a Major League Baseball player.

It’s either that or there’s some weird Andrew W. K. shit going down here. I fully expect this to be optioned as a movie.