The mystical Lovecraftian beast living just below the surface of baseball, its fearsome geometry too terrifying to be looked upon by man lest he is driven insane by a mere glimpse of its unfathomable intangibles but manifesting, always manifesting, in chicken wings and beers, it tentacles reaching, always reaching, upwards to pull any wayward team into its unthinkable grasp.
KAPOWER, yatches. The most ratchet of The Baseball Gods.
Los Angeles Dodgers: Capitalizing on hockey fever in a town more known for breast implants and carjackings, the Dodgers sprinkled their field in liquid ice, claiming it helped the grass grow.
Washington Nationals: Fans were briefly concerned when Stephen Strasburg pitched without the cheats on. The front office quickly found the controller beneath the couch and adjusted his power bars.
New York Yankees: Seems like A-Rod is about due to say something stupid. Should be any day now. You can see it in his beady, soulless eyes. That guy is a clown, bro.
Texas Rangers: Ron Washington continues to employ his unorthodox strategy of having the best team in baseball to great effect. If you need him, he’ll be in the clubhouse.
Baltimore Orioles: Look, it’ll probably be less awkward for all of us if we just pretend that early season thing never happened. We’ll just call it the clown season, bro.
Tampa Bay Rays: Now fielding a team comprised entirely of marionettes and shadow puppets, the Rays look forward to the return of one of their players.
San Francisco Giants: Having once again failed to coax Pablo Sandoval to mate in captivity, the Giants have released him into the wild. He was last spotted eating bamboo shoots dipped in bacon, gravy cheese.
Chicago White Sox: They’re cheating. No other explanation.
Cincinnati Reds: With Mrs. Carlson taking control of the team away from Arthur, the Reds have become much more effective but much less lovable.
Atlanta Braves: Atlanta celebrated John Smoltz for the fiftieth time this season and now have him throwing out the first, last and middle hundred pitches of each game.
Cleveland Indians: That’s a clown logo, bro.
Pittsburgh Pirates: In spite of being to Andrew McCutchen’s talent what alcohol was to F. Scott Fitzgerald’s, this team has written a stunning follow up to their Jazz Age opus: Pretty in Pittsburgh.
New York Mets: The Mets have played well in the Yankees’ hometown of New York, where they are still allowed to stay as long as they keep it down and don’t bring any girls over.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Mike Trout is quickly establishing himself as baseball’s other rookie and is only a haircut away from becoming the boring man’s Bryce Harper.
Miami Marlins: Now that Miami has sobered up and taken a good long look at the stadium, they’re asking some tough questions about last night. They may never mix cocaine and pina coladas again.
St Louis Cardinals: After being no hit by the Mets, the Cardinals have taken some time to walk on the beach and really think about things, you know? Well, do ya, bro?
Toronto Blue Jays: Fans were energized by the call up of rookie phenom David Cooper. They were less than impressed by his large shoes, curly wig and red nose. Those are clown clothes, bro.
Arizona Diamondbacks: Stephen Drew spoke to reporters this week to defend the JD Drew-like attitude of his ankle, which is currently on display at the Bata Shoe Museum.
Boston Red Sox: When umpires unexpectedly called a strike on Dustin Pedroia and shaved six feet from Boston pitcher’s strikezone, a frustrated Bobby Valentine responded by throwing his parasol at a room of reporters. He refused to answer any further clown questions, bro.
Philadelphia Phillies: Famous layabout Roy Halladay has gone on the disabled list, which means he will now be batting cleanup for the fightin’ Phils. That’s a clown lineup, bro.
Detroit Tigers: With Justin Verlander failing to win two consecutive starts, a forlorn Detroit team turned its attention to the buffet and ate its feelings.
Milwaukee Brewers: Where is Milwaukee anyway? Somewhere in the United States? Anyone ever gone?
Oakland Athletics: After being swept by the Twins . . . Wait. Swept by the Twins? Jesus, Oakland, get it together.
Seattle Mariners: When six Mariner’s pitchers combined to throw a no hitter, Seattle batters complained about a double standard. “Sure, it’s great when they do it,” lamented a dishevelled Justin Smoak, “but when we get no hits, that guy who comes to our games gets all mean.”
Houston Astros: They’ve nicknamed their bullpen and are hoping no one nicknames the rest of their team.
Kansas City Royals: A heated debate in Kansas schools as parents decide whether or not to teach their children that this team is the outcome of accident, mutation and environmental pressures or whether it has been intelligently designed.
Minnesota Twins: Joe Mauer wasn’t too hurt to film a new shampoo commercial.
Colorado Rockies: After calling his team’s pitchers a temperamental bunch of cry babies, Rockies manager Jim Tracy has used nothing but position players on the mound this season and so far, they’ve managed to record seven outs.
Chicago Cubs: The Cubs hope to turn their offence around after being informed that in the National League pitchers have to hit but are not the only players allowed to hit.
San Diego Padres: Winning is unchristian, bro.