I love this guy.

This week we have Dusty Baker being mean, Tommy Lasorda being healthy and, of course, Nyjer Morgan being weird.

People asked me if they told me to lose weight, I knew that before anybody told me, just when I put my pants on. I’d be really mad if I died thin, I’d miss all that great spaghetti. I don’t want to lose too much weight or my nose would look too big.

Tommy Lasorda is all kinds of great and it’s really nice to see that he’s recovering well from his heart attack. Baseball would be worse off without him. This has been your monthly reminder that I am not just a cynical scumbag and am, on the rare occasion, even capable of feelings.

[Ed. Note: Lasorda is an alleged homophobe. Sorry to ruin this for you, Jake. -DP]

He don’t respect himself because the word was that whatever he did and said, there was probably a good chance he was drinking at the ballpark at that time three or four years ago, so he don’t remember what he said or what he did, OK?

This is kind of all over the place but is really just a savage takedown (by baseball standards) of Derek Lowe by Dusty Baker. We need to get more people on Dusty’s bad side. It’s incredibly entertaining.

Well, three months later both Thames and Snider are in the minors, as is first baseman Adam Lind. The leadoff hitter, Yunel Escobar, was supposed to be another set piece, but he’s been eclipsed in that offensive role by Brett Lawrie. So in left field, at first base and in the leadoff slot, there was clearly a miscalculation by the Anthopoulos/Farrell tandem. Of course, nobody imagined Jose Bautista would be hitting .236; then again, he might still hit 50 homers at his current pace.

Seriously, who the hell keeps telling Damien Cox it’s okay for him to write about baseball? We need to stop allowing this to happen. It is a blight on our society and makes us look worse as a people. Forget Bill C-38, this is the real issue that the House of Representatives should be dealing with. Priorities, people.

Clown question, bro.

Yeah,  yeah, I know, we’ve all heard this Bryce Harper quote a billion times by now. But this is a quotes-of-the-week column, guys. I work with what I’m given, folks. Seriously though, reporter guy? Do your research, Harper’s a Mormon. Clean it up.

You have to have that confidence and you have to realize you have a gift. Don’t let that self-doubt creep in there. You’ve got to believe. It doesn’t matter what we think. We know how good he is. It’s always up to the player to believe how good he is. I think that’s right on with his thinking, and that’s how he has to hit the mound.

I kind of see where you’re coming from in relation to Lincecum, Bruce Bochy. But are we sure that it isn’t as simple as his pitches just aren’t very good anymore? Remember when he was consistently throwing a 94 MPH fastball? That was cool. Let’s go back to that. That should help him believe how good he is.

The Mets are considering adding a designated ‘quiet’ seating section with lower volume PA announcements and no music or cheerleading.

I was going to make the easy joke about Mets fans/Mets’ attendance/the Mets in general, etc. Then I read that this was a proposal from the parents of autistic children who say that this would increase their children’s enjoyment of watching the game. Now I support this idea 100 percent. Go for it, Mets. Good on you.

He could put the ball anywhere he wanted, he knew where he wanted to throw it, and he threw it there. Cone had the big, big backdoor breaking ball. It was against the Expos and I don’t think they had faced him before. They were a little bit baffled by Cone’s stuff.

Ted Barrett is not only the first umpire to ump two perfect games, but he’s also now my favourite ump. Anyone who references David Cone is pretty good in my book.

I forgot my cardboard

So, here’s the story. The Brewers had an 80s day. Nyjer Morgan dressed up as a break dancer because obviously. He named his break dancer “Tony Beatbox” because of course he did. So, for those keeping track, Nyjer Morgan is still the best. And, yes, still pretty weird.