Last night, as you no doubt saw on your television machines, Henderson Alvarez left the game against the Red Sox with elbow soreness. Now, it sounds as though this was something of a precautionary move and no big deal in the long run. But since we’re talking about the Blue Jays starting rotation, you can be forgiven for assuming his arm needed to be amputated.
Help could be on the way, though, in the form of Jamie Moyer, who signed a Minor League contract last night and could be inserted into the Jays starting rotation, making himself more indispensible than any 9th starter in baseball history before him. At least until he has a stroke or gets hit by a meteor. Ricky Romero, lest he be felled in a hail of bullets or something, is only going to be allowed to leave his bubblewrap-casing to use the men’s room, and even then he has to use the buddy system.
You might wonder (I know I did) where the job of Blue Jays starting pitcher ranks on a list of the most dangerous jobs in North America. Obviously pretty high. The list looks something like this:
10) Garbage Disposal Repairman – I’ve seen enough horror movies to know you never stick your freaking hand down there.
9) Donald Trump Letter Opener and Food Tester – I don’t know, but I’m assuming Trump gets letter bombs all the time, like he’s in The Hurt Locker or something. Seriously, he’s a terrible human being.
8) Oompaloompa – That factory was not safe. Thank God for Upton Sinclair.
7) Shark suit tester – I actually saw this on an episode of Dirty Jobs once. Somebody actually gets in the water with sharks and tests the chainmail armor that separates a diver from big sharp shark’s teeth to make sure the sharks can’t bite through it. Obviously, theydidn’t interview any of testers for whom this didn’t work, which I imagine is probably 99% of them.
6) Crash Test Dummy – The actual dummies, not the alternative rock band in the ’90s. Although being in a band can be dangerous too if your tour bus driver is distracted or too tired, or you’re doing a lot of illegal drugs. Seriously, drugs are bad.
5) Rick Moranis – Words hurt. And nobody gets hurt more than the guy whose last name can be pronounced “more anus.” Dave Thomas can be so cruel.
4) SHIELD Agent – Those guys get killed and replaced faster than any red shirts I’ve ever seen. And their helicarries crash, like, every five pages.
3) Actor or crew member in a Uwe Boll movie – Boll wanted to shoot his movies in China to take advantage of child labo(u)r, sent a makeup artist to the hospital after paying her 50 euros to drink a mold-filled bottle of vinaigrette, and had a heater explode on the set of another film last year, causing broken bones, burn injuries, and his car to catch on fire. You should stay away from Uwe Boll just as a matter of good taste, but also for health reasons.
2) Blue Jays starting pitcher – First they came for Brandon Morrow, and I didn’t speak out. Then they came for Kyle Drabek, and I didn’t stop them. Then they came for Drew Hutchinson and I thanked God it wasn’t me. Then they came for Henderson Alvarez, and I did nothing. Then they came for me, but realizing that I don’t pitch for the Blue Jays, they took Ricky Romero instead. Sorry.
1) Forever and always, the most dangerous job in North America…nee, the entire world…is drummer for Spinal Tap.