The mystical Lovecraftian beast living just below the surface of baseball, its fearsome geometry too terrifying to be looked upon by man lest he is driven insane by a mere glimpse of its unfathomable intangibles but manifesting, always manifesting, in chicken wings and beers, it tentacles reaching, always reaching, upwards to pull any wayward team into its unthinkable grasp.
KAPOWER, yatches. The most ratchet of The Baseball Gods.
Texas Rangers: The most handsome team in baseball released a calendar, which inexplicably featured the players dressed as firemen, to raise money for Josh Hamilton. The team refused to comment on why Mr. Hamilton required the money though Ron Washington was heard to say: “He’s in deep. Real deep.”
New York Yankees: A-Rod tied Lou Gehrig with his 23rd grandslam. He long ago surpassed the legendary Yankee’s first baseman in diseases named after him but still trails Babe Ruth in candy bars and drunken sex acts.
Washington Nationals: With eight players who were starters in last year’s Little League World Series, this team has been inspired by the promise of pizza if they make the playoffs.
San Francisco Giants: In response to Matt Cain’s perfect game, a red-eyed Tim Lincecum was heard mumbling that he did the same thing once, while high and during the World Series.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim: Is Anaheim even in Los Angeles? Cause it sounds like they’re from L.A. but are in Anaheim on weekend trip. But why would anyone go there?
Los Angeles Dodgers: Some strong play by the Dodgers earlier this year forced their audience of movie stars, plastic surgeons and drug dealers to stay at the game for as many as five innings. Things are back to normal now.
Cincinnati Reds: Controversy in Cincinnati when a local Christian group objected to Joey Votto’s walk up music of “Imagine.”
Baltimore Orioles: Much like the heroin addicted and toothless hobos in the city’s famous Squatter District, this team refuses to go anywhere.
Chicago White Sox: By trading for the ugliest man in baseball, the White Sox upgraded from a merely unwatchable team to an intensely unlikeable one.
Pittsburgh Pirates: With the return of A.J. Burnett, writing jokes about the Pirates just got a lot easier.
Atlanta Braves: Like line-dancing, the wave and fascism, the Tomahawk Chop expresses the Caucasian love of synchronized movement while reminding us to never leave crowds of white people without adult supervision.
New York Mets: R.A. Dickey dug up Tim Wakefield’s corpse and pissed on its face. He was last seen travelling towards Phil Neikro’s mausoleum with a crowbar and shovel.
Tampa Bay Rays: Joe Maddon stuck up for his player by beating a heckler to death with a pine tar covered bat.
Boston Red Sox: David Ortiz caused a media storm and scandal in Boston when he complained about the constant media storms and scandals in Boston.
St. Louis Cardinals: After beginning to doubt the “he’s living on a farm” story that management told him, Matt Holiday packed a bindle and left the team to search for Pujols.
Arizona Diamondbacks: Aaron Hill hit for the cycle.
Cleveland Indians: You know what white people like more than synchronized movement? Racism.
Toronto Blue Jays: Jamie Moyer will be in a Blue Jays uniform as soon as management can make him understand that those kids on his lawn are outfielders and they’re supposed to be there.
Detroit Tigers: These Tigers are toothless and yet they’re fat. Toothless, fat, vegetarian tigers.
Oakland Athletics: Having finally cleared most of the tear gas out of their stadium, the Athletics now look to treat their players for the truncheon wounds acquired during their camping trip to left field.
Miami Marlins: In a park that gets uglier by the day, the Marlins have started to blame Ozzie for that so-called sculpture.
Kansas City Royals: Prayer meeting at 11. Bring your bats.
Philadelphia Philles: Jim Thome is on this team? Aren’t the Phillies in the National League? Makes no bloody sense. Nothing about this stupid team makes any bloody sense.
Milwaukee Brewers: Ryan Braun found his power stroke against the performance enhancing pitching staff of the Toronto Blue Jays.
Seattle Mariners: After his 2500th hit in 12 years, Ichiro has started losing hits. At last glance, he was down to 2300. It looks like Justin Smoak stole then pawned them for RBIs. But not many. He is Justin Smoak after all.
Houston Astros: Before the deadline, the Astros are trying to trade their entire team for some butter and, maybe, a box of wine. The box of wine is negotiable.
Minnesota Twins: Curiously enough, Joe Mauer’s hair is also called Trevor Plouffe. Dandruff will never put it on the disabled list.
Colorado Rockies: Has it occurred to anyone else that baseball might have too many teams?
San Diego Padres: A heated debate broke out this week as the Padres tried to decide whether their little army costumes were most insulting to soldiers or terrorists. The debate ended with them pretending to shoot each other with their baseball bats.
Chicago Cubs: Theo Epstein has made a lot of calls this week. Mainly to Terry Francona’s “doctor.” Most of them at four in the morning.