Today In Misread Headlines

I opened this link tweeted out by Grantland’s Jonah Keri, looked at the accompanying photo, and immediately read the headline as “Middle Relief: Rating The Rookie Ears.”

And so, using the 20/80 scale ….

Bryce Harper: 60


The most hyped ear in all of baseball delivers with a well-proportioned lobe and nice curvature, despite some flattening up top. On a normal shaped head, it might be considered plus plus.

Mike Trout: 40


The surprisingly dominant ear for a 20 year old has a blue collar shape, but protrudes from his head too much to justify a high rating. Good luck with that, Nosferatu.

Wade Miley: 60


The Arizona Diamondback’s lone All-Star ear sports incredible curvature. However, the definition of the antihelex reminds me of the genetics we share with our other primate ancestors, and that creeps me out.

Lance Lynn: 20


Ugh. How would you like to whisper sweet nothings into that? We’ve got an attached lobe and a protruding antihelex. Disgusting. Never mind Lynn’s arm, someone needs to put an innings limit on his ear.

Yu Darvish: 80


Not to be compared to the ear of Daisuke Matsuzaka, this perfectly curved specimen offers a subtle lobe, a beautifully proportioned concha, and a wondrous protrusion of the tragus. I could watch this ear on the mound all day.

Comments (8)

  1. I thought it was going to delve into analysis of rookie ERAs, but as soon as I saw position players alongside pitchers, I knew I’d read it wrong too.

  2. I have the wierdest boner right now.

  3. Read it exactly the same. Didn’t have any idea what was going on.

  4. antinelex? do you mean antihelix?

  5. Thank you for this.

  6. This is strange.

    –Oshawa Ollie

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