Today In Misread Headlines

I opened thisĀ link tweeted out by Grantland’s Jonah Keri, looked at the accompanying photo, and immediately read the headline as “Middle Relief: Rating The Rookie Ears.”

And so, using the 20/80 scale ….

Bryce Harper: 60


The most hyped ear in all of baseball delivers with a well-proportioned lobe and nice curvature, despite some flattening up top. On a normal shaped head, it might be considered plus plus.

Mike Trout: 40


The surprisingly dominant ear for a 20 year old has a blue collar shape, but protrudes from his head too much to justify a high rating. Good luck with that, Nosferatu.

Wade Miley: 60


The Arizona Diamondback’s lone All-Star ear sports incredible curvature. However, the definition of the antihelex reminds me of the genetics we share with our other primate ancestors, and that creeps me out.

Lance Lynn: 20


Ugh. How would you like to whisper sweet nothings into that? We’ve got an attached lobe and a protruding antihelex. Disgusting. Never mind Lynn’s arm, someone needs to put an innings limit on his ear.

Yu Darvish: 80


Not to be compared to the ear of Daisuke Matsuzaka, this perfectly curved specimen offers a subtle lobe, a beautifully proportioned concha, and a wondrous protrusion of the tragus. I could watch this ear on the mound all day.