Rumor has it he’s the one I’m leaving you for. – Adele

(Yeah, that’s right, I just quoted Adele. I am that confident in my own masculinity.)

I’m beginning to hate rumors.  Like, a lot.  It’s not that I’m worried about spoilers.  I’d love to have a scoop about player movement before it happens, as it makes analysis and writing it up so much easier.

But here’s what happens with rumors:

 ”At least the Dodgers, Blue Jays and Giants appear to have some interest in Twins first baseman Justin Morneau, who is making a nice comeback this year.”

See what Heyman did there?  The Blue Jays and Giants are “interested in” Morneau.  He doesn’t tell us the level of interest, or the likelihood that a deal will get done before Tuesday night (although Morneau could probably slip through waivers unclaimed).*  He also doesn’t mention the Rangers, who have also been linked to Morneau at one point or another in the last couple weeks.

*Update: Aaaaaaaand…the Dodgers are already out.

He also doesn’t tell us how Morneau would fit with either club.  Take the Jays, for example.  Yes, the Blue Jays have been frustrated with Adam Lind and he’s on the DL, but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s owed at least $7 million through 2013 and has hit .288/.337/.513 since coming off the DL, which far outstrips Morneau’s .260/.322/.457 season line.  Neither one of them have a prayer against a lefthanded pitcher, and while Lind could presumably shift to DH against righties, that would also move Encarnacion to an outfield corner and take time away from Travis Snider once Jose Bautista comes back.  Either that, or you relegate Lind to the bench (or DFA him), negating any hope you had to get value from or for him.

And the funniest part of all the buzzing and concern over if and where Morneau will go, and what teams will and should give up, and talk about how he’d fit (analysis just like I did) is that it’s guaranteed not to even matter for at least three of those four franchises.  Because only team can get Justin Morneau, so the rest of the 1s and 0s spilled over his potential destinations are left behind as evidence of wasted time, effort, and bandwidth.

It’s certainly not the reporters’ faults, mind you.  We crave this stuff.  We obsessively monitor Twitter.  We refresh Getting Blanked.  We want to know more, even though 75% of the information we learn will end up being utterly useless and meaningless in just 24 short hours.  The Rangers are interested in Cliff Lee?  The Orioles might want to acquire Joe Blanton?  None of it will matter tomorrow at midnight if nothing happens.

We are stuck in a game of Bingo, anticipating the little wooden ball’s drop out of the roller, listening to announcers call off numbers that are never the ones we have in front of us.  We fall for it every time, and we never, ever, learn.  Hell, as much as I want to ignore it, I won’t, and I’ll hate myself when tomorrow afternoon rolls around and we find out that Morneau is still a Twin, and that the biggest winners at the deadline are named Heyman, Rosenthal, Olney, Knobler, and Morosi.