"Someone get me out of here"

This week we have Casey McGehee needing to trim his sideburns, Paul Maholm needing to play in Atlanta and Ryan Dempster needing to not play in Chicago.

I don’t know if it’s because I grew up watching the Braves and wanting to play here. I’ve obviously felt comfortable in the stadium and I’ve pitched well. I want to make sure that continues.

Pretty sure Paul Maholm is just psyched he gets to keep playing with Reed Johnson. I mean, wouldn’t you be?

We regret to inform our fans that Derek Jeter will miss the rest of the season with sexual reassignment surgery. He promises to come back stronger than ever in 2013 as Minnie Mantlez.

I don’t always enjoy hackers, but when I do, it’s when they are screwing with Yankee fans.

Fantastic prices and we’re very excited that we can all share in this find. It’s like a gift from our grandfather to keep passing on.

“Oh yeah, and the money, that’s nice too,” the sellers of 37 baseball cards that went for over $500,000 continued, “really we’re just happy about all the money we have now. Maybe we’ll buy a horse.”

They all started to chant. They wanted to watch me shave in the clubhouse. I wasn’t giving them that satisfaction. It’s not like I’m winning any beauty pageants with or without it.

All I can think of Clint Hurdle screaming “McGehee, I thought I told you to trim those sideburns!” at Casey McGehee. Something about the idea of Hurdle being a round, purple version of Mr. Burns is just fantastic. Also explains a lot about the Pirates’ success this year.

He didn’t say no. He said not now.

Ryan Dempster then realized that he was playing for the Chicago Cubs and was all “fuck this noise, trade me whenever you want, Theo Epstein.” Because nobody should have to play for the Cubs.

We figured we might beg for forgiveness from you guys (the media) for not telling you right away since we didn’t handicap us at all in the trade market. Obviously it’s a blow for him and for the club.

Somewhere, JP Ricciardi is hearing these reflections on the unfortunate injury to Neftali Feliz and thinking “oh…don’t show your hand before the trade deadline. Are you sure this is correct? I feel like you’re supposed to tell everyone everything.”

So, it’s one of those things that you want to do, you want to take pride in, but at the same time a lot of luck’s got to go into it. I had a lot of great plays behind me. … Bottom line is it’s a `W’ for us.

God, I hate AJ Burnett. You know that he totally cared way more about trying to get a no hitter than the “W”. Even if he didn’t, doesn’t he just seem like a guy who would? God, I hate AJ Burnett.

I looked at my lineup yesterday, and there was only one guy that was in the same position (from opening day). It was (shortstop Jose) Reyes. Everyone else was different. It’s embarrassing for me because we never thought we would go through that situation, not even close to being a scenario this year. No way. But you cannot blame anybody. You’ve got to blame us.

Ozzie Guillen – Still honest. Still the best.