When I was in my early teens, my family had a limit on the amount of television that we could watch. In theory, the household rule was supposed to push us away from a sedentary television-watching lifestyle and encourage physical and more social activity. In practice, it resulted in us wanting to watch television more than anything else in the world.

Occasionally, my parents would have to leave the house, and when they did, on came the television. We would watch, and watch, and watch some more, all for the equally thrilling purposes of not only entertainment, but also the little measure of risky rebellion that came from breaking this silly rule. It was forbidden and therefore, suddenly desirous.

In order to soak up as much TV as we possibly could, we would wait until the sound of the front door opening before turning it off. However, this would inevitably lead to suspicions over why we had all congregated in the living room to not watch television. And so, we had a cover up. We would take out board games from the cupboard and place them all around as though there were in the middle of being played, and then, as soon as we heard that door, we would pretend to be in the middle of playing Scattergories.

It was a silly attempt at deception, and I’m certain my parents had some inkling as to what was going on, but either didn’t care or thought it was good that my siblings and I found something that caused a little bit of unity and didn’t lead to us burning down the house in their absence or arguing with each other all day and night.

Melky Cabrera, a grown man, and not a child whose parents have left them alone in the house, was caught using testosterone and suspended last week. Over the weekend, the New York Daily News learned of his attempted cover up, which included the creation of a fictitious website and a non-existent product which he would claim he used and therefore inadvertently allowed a banned substance into his body.

The idea, apparently, was to lay a trail of digital breadcrumbs suggesting Cabrera had ordered a supplement that ended up causing the positive test, and to rely on a clause in the collectively bargained drug program that allows a player who has tested positive to attempt to prove he ingested a banned substance through no fault of his own.

Unfortunately for Cabrera, the plan back fired.

The scheme began unfolding in July as Cabrera and his representatives scrambled to explain a spike in the former Yankee’s testosterone levels. Cabrera associate Juan Nunez, described by the player’s agents, Seth and Sam Levinson, as a “paid consultant” of their firm but not an “employee,” is alleged to have paid $10,000 to acquire the phony website.

So, now instead of rescuing Cabrera from a suspension, the cover up attempt, which unraveled quickly under MLB questioning, has gone on to attract further, more dangerous attention from the Federal Bureau of Investigation. In other words, attempting to cover up his testosterone use by creating a fake website and a product that doesn’t even exist was about as ill-advised as his Abraham Lincoln beard.

It remains very possible that Cabrera faces further punishment beyond his 50-game suspension.

And The Rest

The infamous text message that was sent to Boston Red Sox ownership complaining about Bobby Valentine, was sent from Adrian Gonzalez’s phone, but was authored by Kelly Shoppach who was traded to the New York Mets last week. [New York Daily News]

The Houston Astros fired manager Brad Mills, along with first base coach Bobby Meacham and hitting coach Mike Barnett. Triple-A manager Tony DeFrancesco was promoted to helm the big league club for the rest of the season, while Ty Van Burkleo will be the interim hitting coach and Dan Radison will be the interim first base coach. [Crawfish Boxes]

Ichiro (!). [Baseball Musings]

The Pittsburgh Pirates won a 19 inning game against the St. Louis Cardinals yesterday. [Where Have You Gone Andy Van Slyke?]

The Toronto Blue Jays Triple-A affiliate could be moving to Buffalo, which tends to make a little bit more sense than Las Vegas. [DJF]

Adam Dunn hit his 400th home run, and not without some hilarity ensuing. [Comcast Sportsnet Chicago]

Kansas City Royals starter Jeremy Guthrie took a no-hitter into the seventh inning where it was broken up on what looked like an error to just about everyone other than the official score keeper. [Huffington Post]

It seems likely that Carl Crawford will have season ending surgery on his left elbow. [USA Today]

A night with the fake Chuck Knoblauch. [Deadspin]

Greed is the driving force in baseball. [MLB Dirt]

Comments (2)

  1. the heat from the back of the TV was a tell tale sign we’d been watching. Ice packs often left things more wet than cool.

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