"...And I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time."

With pennant races getting more and more intense, it seems like baseball people are getting stingier with their quotes. It’s like they’re focusing on winning or something. What’s up with that?

That aside, this week we have terrifying things happening to Brandon McCarthy, sad things happening to Lance Berkman and hilarious things happening to Bobby Valentine because obviously.

What an embarrassing thing to say. If I were there right now, I’d punch you right in the mouth. Ha, ha. How’s that sound? Sound like I checked out? What an embarrassing thing. Why would somebody even, that’s stuff that a comic strip person would write. If someone’s here, watching me go out at 2 o’clock in the afternoon, working with the young players, watching me put in the right relief pitchers to get a win, putting on a hit-and-run when it was necessary, talking to the guys after the game in the food room – how could someone in real life say that?

How could someone in real life say that, Bobby? How could they? By the way, the headline to this article, on the front page of FOX Sports, was “Bobby V. Defends Threat To Punch Host,” which is  just, really, it’s just the best thing. Headline aside, this is awesome. It’s just a fantastic quote (as disastrous as the Sox season has been, Valentine has been on point for quotes all season). It’s the “ha, ha” that really sells it for me. Just great stuff.

”Our first concern is Brandon’s health, and we are heartened to learn he has shown progress in his recovery after surgery,” general manager Billy Beane said. ”We are glad to report he is stable, awake and alert. The team will provide further updates as they become available in the coming days. … Brandon remains in everyone’s thoughts as we wish him a speedy recovery.”

This was actually terrifying, especially with surgery happening a day after the fact. I’m pretty sure McCarthy is my favourite pitcher in the league, if only because of his Twitter account. Here’s wishing him a speedy recovery.

I don’t think I could make an impact,” Clemens said when asked about pitching for the last-place Astros. ”I think it would be fun for a lot of people, but it would take a lot of work to do and to perform the way I would want to perform. My mind says yes. My body says no.”

Points to Clemens for kind of quoting a New Pornographers song. But, seriously, am I the only one that is kind of disappointed in this? Did anyone actually have any idea how this was going to turn out? Clemens could have come back to the majors and struck out 13 guys in his first game back or allowed 13 runs in his first inning back. Neither would have surprised me. But now I guess we have to wonder what could have been for the Brett Favre of baseball (in so many ways).

”At first,” Greenberg recalled during a telephone interview earlier this week, ”it felt like my head had exploded. Once my eyes quit rolling around and I was able to see, I saw the guys standing around me weren’t freaking out. I calmed down pretty quick after that.

”The next thing I remember vividly is walking off the field. I forget who was holding me up, but I remember thinking, `At least they didn’t have to carry me off.

I guess it’s messed-up-head-injury day here. This is from Adam Greenberg telling a story about what it’s like to be hit in the head by a 92MPH fastball. Sounds like a super amount of fun. Not really a lot to say about this. Just…scary. See, people who say that baseball is slow and for out of shape people? Our sport can be dangerous too. Jerks.

The Toronto Blue Jays and Baltimore Orioles experienced some slippery conditions because of mechanical troubles with the retractable roof at Rogers Centre.

The team apologized to fans Tuesday night after the roof was unable to close at the normal speed, leaving many people opening umbrellas to protect themselves from the elements.

Groundskeepers had to use drying agents on the mound and dirt cutouts around the bases before the bottom of the sixth inning as rain continued to fall on the infield.

The roof was closed when the game began but opened in the third. It started closing again in the fourth, but the final two panels were still about 30 feet apart in the seventh.

If there was ever a symbolic representation of the Jays 2012 season, this was it. It sucked. Except that it was kind of funny. Okay, totally funny. Except for the people being rained on. I don’t know. Here’s looking at you, 2013?

I’m not sure any of us understand. But it’s the right thing to do.

What? That’s the explanation behind shutting down Strasburg, Davey Johnson? That’s like how I decide what I want for lunch. “I’m not sure why I feel like a burrito, but it’s the right thing to do.” I mean, I get all the practical reasons to shut him down – he’s young, any insurance company that insures his arm should probably not exist, etc. – but at least give us a reason. That being said, I’m totally going to start using this line whenever I have to defend a dumb thing I do.

Cardinals first baseman Lance Berkman is contemplating retiring after the season, according to myfoxhouston.com’s Mark Berman.

Berkman admitted that his knee is not 100 percent, and that he didn’t think it ever would be again. He could try “a pretty intense program” during the offseason, but isn’t sure he wants to put his body through that type of training. If he has any doubts about his motivation to return, he’s going to retire. Berkman recently had another MRI on his knee, and additional damage was suspected.

If Berkman retires, he plans to return to Rice University to finish his degree. Berkman would also be an assistant for the baseball team. Berkman needs about three semesters in order to graduate.


Ahem, excuse me, didn’t mean to go all George Lucas on you there. This is…this is a black day for baseball. This is not the news I was hoping for. That being said, of course Lance is going to go finish his degree. Even in retirement, Lance Berkman is still the best.