The 2012 Major League Baseball Playoffs will began later today with the inaugural Wild Card play-in games. In celebration of the second season beginning, we offer up some hard hitting analysis. No, there will be no mention of WAR, SIERA or WPA here. We will compare all ten playoff teams to bands with little to no method whatsoever.
The Washington Nationals are Fugazi
Never mind the geographical connection here, it’s all about the provenance. The Washington Nationals (Fugazi) will be the team remembered for its successes, but everyone knows that the Montreal Expos (Minor Threat) will always be far more influential.
The Cincinnati Reds are The Kinks
No matter how many games they win, the Cincinnati Reds are never going to garner the same level of respect as their peers. In reality, they’re arguably the best of the bunch.
The New York Yankees are U2
Both are aging and their best years are behind them. The face of U2 masks his age and deflects criticism with oversized sunglasses and by uniting big businesses and government leaders the world over in humanitarian efforts. The captain of the Yankees masks his age with B-list celebrity girlfriends and the gift baskets he hands them on the way out the door.
The San Francisco Giants are
Deerhoof Deerhunter Deer Tick The Pains of Being Pure at Heart Tame Impala JEFF the Brotherhood Screaming Females Cloud Nothings Diarrhea Planet Sad Day For Puppets King Tuff Gold-Bears Metz Ringo Deathstarr …
Don’t even bother trying to peg the Giants. They’re a rad band you haven’t heard of yet.
The Oakland Athletics are Pavement
Neither of these sloppy messes should amount to much of anything, amirite? Yet, both manage to pull of incredibly unique successes. They’re both from California, but not the nice part, and you can bank on both of them ending up in Portland at some point.
The Detroit Tigers are Velvet Revolver
Just look at the pieces of these two supergroups. This must be the most rocking band in the history of rocking, right? What a disappointment.
The Atlanta Braves are the Rolling Stones
It seems like the Atlanta Braves have been hanging around in the postseason for decades. Both of these entities feature front men that defy the preconceived limits of their age despite the looming threat of hip replacement. You keep telling yourself that they’re no longer relevant… go ahead, keep on telling yourself that.
The Texas Rangers are Smashing Pumpkins
Both exist under the rule of an evil dictator (Nolan Ryan and Billy Corgan). Ron Washington’s input matters little as he is the James Iha of the Texas Rangers. Wouldn’t you know it, but the truest talents here are a junkie drummer and an outfielder addicted to addiction.
The Baltimore Orioles are Pearl Jam
Neither the Baltimore Orioles or Pearl Jam have turned out a winning effort in the last 15 years. Behold the anticipation of die hard fans for this latest release, which is sure to disappoint when it’s time to finally give it a spin.
The St. Louis Cardinals are Iron Maiden
Paul Di’Anno was a helluva singer, which is on display throughout Iron Maiden’s first two records. Most bands never recover from replacing their lead singer, but Iron Maiden only grew stronger when Bruce Dickinson replaced Di’Anno. One would think that the St. Louis Cardinals would have been due for a decline of sorts when Albert Pujols went west to Anaheim, but nah, this year’s team may even be better than the 2011 World Series Champions.