Finally, a game between teams that have earned a postseason berth the old fashioned way.

So what if the Detroit Tigers are champions of the intramural league? The Minnesota Twins and Kansas City Royals are real Major League Baseball teams, too. The Oakland Athletics, fresh off of bumping the disgraceful Texas Rangers from their perch on first place in the American League West, look to keep a good thing going with Jarrod Parker taking the hill tonight. The Tigers counter with Cy Young favourite Justin Verlander.

I’ll be your host here this evening on Getting Blanked, providing updates and attempts at humour throughout the course of the game.

Here are your starting lineups:

Oakland Athletics

1. Coco Crisp (S) CF
2. Stephen Drew (L) SS
3. Yoeni$ Ce$pede$ (R) LF
4. Brandon Moss (L) 1B
5. Josh Reddick (L) RF
6. Josh Donaldson (R) 3B
7. Seth Smith (L) DH
8. Derek Norris (R) C
9. Cliff Pennington (S) 2B

Detroit Tigers

1. Austin Jackson (R) CF
2. Quintin Berry (L) LF
3. Miguel Cabrera (R) 3B
4. Prince Fielder (L) 1B
5. Delmon Young (R) DH
6. Andy Dirks (L) RF
7. Jhonny Peralta (R) SS
8. Alex Avila (L) C
9. Omar Infante (R) 2B

Jim Leyland’s unofficial prediction: “Smoke ‘em”

First Inning

Jesus titty fucking Christ, Coco Crisp leads off the game with a home run. Verlander served up a middle-middle goody and Crisp dumped it just over the right field wall. Cy Young induced a fly to left from Stephen Drew before walking Yoeni$ Ce$pede$. Ks for Brandon Moss and Josh Reddick to escape the inning down by 1.

Austin Jackson rips a single by Stephen Drew which gives Ce$pede$ enough trouble to lead to an extra base. Austin Jackson. On base. Miguel Cabrera RBI pending. Josh Donaldson can’t handle a Quintin Berry shot, Jackson to third. Here comes Triple Crown. Jackson crosses the plate as Miggy grounds into a DP, which Mike Trout surely would have been able to beat out. RBI bud!

Prince Fielder ends the inning with a loud fly ball. Tied at one after one.

Second Inning

Josh Donaldson flies to center for the first out, Verlander issues his second walk of the game to Seth Smith. Rickety Tigers infield can’t turn the DP on a Derek Norris groundball, Cliff Pennington kills the inning by striking out on some nasty from Verlander.

Stephen Drew makes a nice stop at short to highlight an uneventful half inning from the Tigers’ offense. Game remains tied at one after two.

Third Inning

Crisp flies one to Andy Dirks after a solid AB to lead off the top half of the third. Verlander dialing it up to 96mph now, should touch 165 mph by the seventh if he sticks around. Stephen Drew splits the Jackson and Berry in left-center for a double. Ce$pede$ out somehow, which I missed while making a trip to the fridge for a brew. Drew never leaves second base as Verlander strikes out Moss to end the inning. Terrible strike one call on Moss, should have been ball four. 61 pitches for Verlander through three.

Jarrod Parker sits down Alex Avila for the first out of the bottom half. Omar Infante doubles to left. Austin Jackson pops up to Cliff Pennington for the second out. Jarrod Parker can’t scoop a grounder by Berry, the ball ends up tumbling over first base as Avila comes around to score. “Why didn’t he just tag him?”…

Berry swipes second base on a 1-1 ball to Triple Crown. M-V-P chants rain down in Detroit, although Verlander sits idly in the dugout. Cabrera eventually walks as the broadcast crew rambles on about the “protection” Prince Fielder formerly offered to Ryan Braun. Fielder pops one to shallow center, which Pennington just gets to for the third out. 2-1 Tigers.

Fourth Inning

Josh Reddick, who I can only presume would be dealing meth if he wasn’t a baseball player, walks to lead off the inning. Donaldson strikes out for the first out, Verlander up over 70 pitches as he can’t decide if he wants to be himself of Max Scherzer on an off night. Seth Smith grounds one to Infante, who gets Reddick at second but no DP. Derek Norris flies to Peralta to end the top half.

Parker hits noted shitbag Delmon Young with a pitch to lead off the bottom half. The inning ends after Young gets caught stealing. Young runs with the grace of Jason Voorhees. 2-1 Tigers.

Fifth Inning

Pennington sends one up the middle under Verlander’s glove for a leadoff single. Crisp flies out, Drew is called out on strikes. Ce$pede$ grounds to Triple Crown, who gets Pennington at second to end the top of the fifth.

Alex Avila goes deep to leadoff the bottom half of the inning. 3-1, Tigers. I missed whatever Infante didn’t do at the plate while I was reheating some fried chicken. Meth with a diving catch for the second out. Parker sits down Berry with a whiff to end the inning. 3-1 Tigers.

Sixth Inning

Verlander Ks Moss for the third time tonight. Seven strike outs for Verlander so far. Make it eight, Reddick strikes out. Make it nine. Verlander strikes out everyone and it looks like this:

No idea how the Tigers went down in the bottom half, too busy making above GIF. 3-1 Tigers.

Seventh Inning

10 Ks for Verlander. 11 Ks for Verlander. Walk for Pennington, fourth free pass handed out tonight for Rambo. Crisp grounds out to Snuggie Fielder for the third out.

Dirks singles to left as Pat Neshek warms up in the Athletics bullpen. Jharrod Pharker Ks Jhonny Pheralta for the first out. Alex Avila ends Parker’s evening with a single, Melvin brings in Neshek. Obligatory “as a father Neshek’s entrance hits me right in the heart” mention. Fucking remarkable he’s pitching in a baseball game tonight. It’s getting dusty in here.

Infante reaches in what looked like it would be a DP. Stephen Drew’s stepped on second for out number two, but threw the ball awkwardly to first too late for Infante. Neshek Ks Austin Jackson to end the threat. Hats off to Neshek. 3-1 Tigers.

Eighth Inning

Joaquin Benoit in for the Tigers. Ce$pede$ with a one out single to left. Brandon Moss sends one to the wall, but not out of Andy Dirks’ reach for the second out. Reddick Ks to end the top of the inning. Ego maniac warming up for the Tigers.

Someone in, Blevins I think, for the Athletics. I miss this half inning chasing a raccoon off my back deck.

Stephen Drew will be played by Ed Burns in Moneyball 2

Ninth Inning

Pape Grande in to close it out for the Tigers. Donaldson strikes out as Valverde engages in some grandstanding. Seth Smith strikes out and Valverde clowns it up some more. Kottaras flies out to Snuggie for the final out. Tigers win 3-1.

Thanks for stopping by, see you for Game 2.

Comments (31)

  1. Holy Fuck It’s Buck. Life is not fair.

  2. Miggy doesn’t get an RBI because he GIDP.

    Even Parkes made fun of Bleacher Report for assuming so. Get your shit together Mr. Lewis.

  3. That had all the ingredients of an unqualified disaster, but 3 outs is 3 outs I guess.

  4. Fun bunch over here on DJF’s sister site. Does no one talk over here, or is it all parallel slide-ruling?

  5. Any excitement I had built up for this series has been thoroughly trounced by the announcement of Uncle Buck on 2nd chair.

    Any idea if Kuip & Kruk are going to be on the Sportsnet feed for the SF game?

    • So I’m not the only nattering nabob of negativity concerning the Buckster. (As to your question, I have no idea, alas.)

  6. TBS Executive:
    “Okay, Buck Martinez, he’s an amazing color (American sp) commentator, right?”

    Chair at the end of the table spins around to reveal Bryce Harper:
    “That’s a clown question, bro.”

  7. Came here for the Verlander 6th inning .gif and was not disappointed.

  8. Just realized that this is the same network that is run by Tyler Perry. Suddenly, Buck’s current appointment makes a lot more sense.

  9. Neshek, another reason to get behind these A’s.

    • Yo Bro–the A’s have to bear down now that they finally got rid of Verlander–oh, Moss came soooooo close!!! Cheers by the way.

      • Oakland team payroll 29th at 55 million.
        Detroit team payroll 5th at 132 million.

        Money Ball 2?

        They better start filming that shit today.

        • Let’s wait for the outcome–tragedies are cast differently than feel-good life-affirming Disney epics.

          • It’s movie worthy just that they got to the post season but I see your point. I’d love it if they could get the sticks going on Valverde.

          • So we’re underdogs, behind and bereft. So be it.

          • Verlander is a filthy animal, I wasn’t holding out much hope for game one. It set’s up a cinderella type series to match Oaklands season.

          • I wish somebody had punched him in the face a second time, but it’s early days.

  10. Damnit, thought that was gone.

  11. Fister? I hardly knew her.

  12. Seriously, I’ve had more fun during endeavours concerning dentistry. Whatever.

  13. So boys, is it Posey and the Panda or are we going Nations Pride with one Joseph Votto?

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