Soon, Lance. Soon.

It’s the World Series! And the Yankees aren’t in it! Man, I should really let that go.

This week we have Bud Selig being bureaucratic, Lance Berkman being a free agent and Jon Paul Morosi being a jackass.

I have a committee very hard at work, ongoing with all that, and they continue to work hard. I’ve been talking to them a lot the last four or five days. There isn’t anything more to say. I know you’d like to talk about it. I’m sensitive to that, I appreciate it. But let’s concentrate on Game 2 of the World Series.

The Atheltics are trying to move to San Jose which may infringe on the Giants territory so here’s Bud Selig with a totally bureaucratic answer to the problem. In my weird, little fantasy brain this is going to turn into a turf war. Josh Reddick and Tim Lincecum will be the leaders. Things are going to get weird. And there’s my attempt at making contract law entertaining. Man, this is hard. No wonder The Phantom Menace sucked so much. Sorry, George. I get it now.

David Ortiz came back after spending about six weeks on the disabled list and we thought it was only going to be a week. He got two hits the first two times up, drove in a couple runs; we were off to the races. Then he realized that this trade meant that we’re not going to run this race and we’re not even going to finish the race properly and he decided not to play anymore. I think at that time it was all downhill from there.

Here we go, the Bobby-Valentine-No-Longer-Has-To-Answer-To-Owners-So-He-Can-Say-Whatever-He-Damn-Well-Pleases shitstorm has begun. I’ve been waiting for this since day 1. And his first target is Big Papi? The one guy on the Red Sox that everyone doesn’t think is a total shithead? Oh, this is going to be ever so sweet. Please, Bobby, keep telling us what’s wrong with the Red Sox.

John Callaway, 50, stood crammed elbow-to-elbow at the bar with his friend Trisha Cruse, 53, sipping a hand-pumped, English-style cask bitters made special for the ballpark bar, the Public House, by San Francisco brewery Magnolia.

”I just like English bitters, and they are not easy to find, especially in a ballpark,” Callaway said, grabbing his filled cup and heading toward the ballpark turnstile in the back of the bar.

At Detroit’s Comerica Park, where only a couple of locally made beers are on tap, die-hard Motor City fans are just fine with the unpretentious, established American beer brands.

Detroit is a ”blue-collar, domestic beer town” said Bob Thormeier, who oversees food and drink services at the Tigers ballpark. ”The younger segment of people are going toward the (craft beer), but a lot of our fans around here grew up on domestic beers. They grew up on your Miller Lites, your Coors Lights, Bud Lights.”

This is a real quote from a real article. It is incredibly dumb and basically only serves to posit Detroit as the working class city and essentially call San Francisco the home of a bunch of snooty, hip, rich assholes. The whole thing reads like one of those Sarah Palin speeches about “real folk” in good, ol’ America. I don’t even have a joke for this, it’s just ridiculous. “What are these ridiculous ‘cask’ beers? I am from Detroit and do not understand. Gimme my big mouth Coors.” The best thing is that the article also mentions that Comerica has craft beers too but I guess those don’t count. Considering they’re all made from blood, sweat and John Fogerty songs.

I suspect the free agent market is going to treat him very kindly. And when you see the depth that we have coming, it’s not something I’m prepared to rule out today, but I would say it’s probably unlikely at this time.

Cardinals general manager John Mozeliak confirmed that Lance Berkman is not returning to the Cardinals. If someone wants to make me a giant neon sign to go hold outside of Skydome that tells Anthopolous to sign Berkman (for any price), I would not hate that. Also, God I don’t believe in? If you’re listening and can make this happen, I will build several churches in your honour. Lance, you guys. Lance.

We are not currently exploring the possibility with the Dodgers or any team to play in Australia.

I mean, come on, guys, Major League Baseball has already expanded its fan base to enough countries. We don’t need to risk sending our players to the land of everything that can kill you. We already have the World Baseball Classic, that’s enough recognition and growing our brand. Pfft, Australia. Crazy kids and their weird ideas.

The lingering backlash caused by Ozzie Guillen’s praise of Fidel Castro contributed to another Miami Marlins managerial shakeup Tuesday.

The season went sour from the start. Guillen’s comments praising Castro in a magazine interview angered Cuban Americans, who make up a large segment of the Marlins’ fan base. The Venezuelan manager apologized repeatedly at a news conference for his remarks, then began serving a five-game suspension only five games into his stay with the team.

Marlins officials believe the damage was lasting. They blame disappointing attendance at the new ballpark in part over lingering fan resentment about the Castro comments.

HEY GUYS, I’M JON PAUL MOROSI. REMEMBER THAT TIME OZZIE GUILLEN SAID THAT STUFF ABOUT FIDEL CASTRO? HEY, HEY REMEMBER? I REMEMBER WHEN HE KIND OF SAID THAT HE SUPPORTS CASTRO EVEN THOUGH HE TOTALLY DIDN’T SAY THAT. HEY, HEY GUYS, HE SAID STUFF ABOUT CASTRO. G-guys? Where are you going? ..Oh, I’m so alone. I’m just going to go sit in a corner with my bullshit.

We may have fallen short yesterday, but we never feel sorry for ourselves and never make excuses.

Great teams – and organizations – use disappointment as a motivation for future improvements and success. In the days, weeks and months ahead, we plan to do what’s necessary to return this franchise to the World Series.

Hal Steinbrenner brings us this week’s edition of “hey, remember how the Yankees lost?” What? You think I should let this go? Yeah. I should probably let this go.

Ha ha, Yankees.

Okay, sorry, I’m done.

Comments (8)

  1. Tries to write like Fairservice talks, weird.

  2. Never let go of the Yankees losing. It’s too precious. Like in a gollum sort of precious way

  3. Great column today Jack.

  4. I will hold the other end of that Hire Lance sign for you.
    Or hold his balls while you work the shaft… whatever it takes.

  5. I thought Lance Berkman hated American League baseball. Or somesuch.

  6. JP Morosi…is the worst.

    ..and no way in hell is Lance coming to Canada. He’ll stick to his Coors big-mouth cans deep in a red state.

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