It was my intention to keep a running diary of offseason transactions, with a smattering of analysis to boot. This was before it occurred to me that our readers would be more likely to enjoy reading the thoughts of one of baseball’s greatest minds, rather than the meandering insights from one of the internet’s most prominent self-professed insiders. Enter Rick Sutcliffe.
Rick Sutcliffe would not return my calls or emails (Ed note: I did not attempt to call or email Rick Sutcliffe), so I opted to publish what I believe would be the Red Baron’s thoughts on several of the transactions that have taken place so far. Countless hours of research and linguistic analysis went into this blog post.
Blue Jays sign Maicer Izturis: “One of these producer guys here was telling me that Maicer Izturis puts nearly half the balls he makes contact with on the ground. He’s talking like it’s some kinda negative part of his game. What I see is a guy willing to make a productive out. Just too many guys today are trying to put the ball up the middle and find holes. Why worry about that when you just need to move the runner over?”
Dodgers re-sign Brandon League: “Oh boy, Brandon League’s wife Sasha is a ravishing woman. I saw her hanging around the stadium during BP in Seattle a couple of years ago and she was wearing this tight little yellow skirt… I declared a new favorite color that day. Now just imagine what she’ll be wearing in that Los Angeles heat for the next there years. Hubba-hubba!”
Red Sox re-sign David Ortiz: “Aha! This here’s a good one. Lemme tell ya, the Red Sox gotta bat David Ortiz lead off and you can really stick it to these fancy guys and their computers. Ever watch how some of these teams will stack all the infielders on one side of the field to try and shut down pull hitters like Oritz? Well they call it the shift, and if I’m John Farrell then I’m telling Big Papi to just slap the ball down the third baseline because he’ll get a double every time. You just let the players stand where they’re supposed to be and that doesn’t happen.”
Royals acquire Ervin Santana via trade: “I had a friend in Kansas City ask me, ‘hey Sutty, what do you think of Ervin Santana?’ So I told it to him straight: ‘when his head’s in the game he’s a good pitcher, but when his head’s not in it he’s not a good pitcher’.”
Cubs sign Scott Baker: “I know Scott Baker had that surgery on his elbow and all, but he can really find the strikezone when he’s healthy. He throws strikes. He’ll throw a lot of strikes for the Cubs.”
Giants re-sign Jeremy Affeldt: “Jeremy Affeldt gets guys out, man. He doesn’t get everyone out, but he gets you outs when you need ‘em most of the time.”
Marlins-Blue Jays mega-trade: “I can tell ya first hand that it hurts when you get traded. Of course, when I got traded I went from Cleveland to Chicago and that was great for my career. These poor Marlins guys are going up to Canada and that’s just like getting your heart ripped out. Guys like Jose Reyes and Emilio Bonifacio ain’t never seen the snow before. How you gonna expect guys like that to transition to the cold weather? Josh Johnson grew up in Minnesota, and that ain’t far from Canada, but it ain’t Canada.
You gotta love Mark Buehrle, though, man. He’s a real throwback. He’ll throw the kitchen sink at ya. Batters don’t know what’s coming at them until he throws the ball. And you can’t overlook John Buck either. He’s country strong, I tell ya. He’s one tough SOB.”
Tigers sign Torii Hunter: “Score one for the old guy! I’ll tell ya, it’s not easy getting up for the games when you’re 37-years old, but I saw Torii Hunter play a bit last year and this guy can still hold a bat, man. He can swing it too.”
Blue Jays sign Melky Cabrera: “This is how you tell your fans that you don’t care about the integrity of the game. How a guy suspended for takin’ steroids can land a two-year $16 million deal is beyond me. If there’s one positive we can take away here it’s that at least he won’t be calling America his home next season.”
Padres moves walls in at Petco Park: “This is the best city in the world, man. Right here, man. You can’t beat it. Ah man, George Clooney, man. He’s up there with Congress tryin’ to get everyone to go over there and solve that thing. What’re y’all still doing here? I’m gettin’ yelled by Bill Murray in the back. I need to go. I’d much rather hang with you guys than him.”