If you felt as though something was off for the last few days, you are not alone. If you couldn’t fight the feeling that something just wasn’t right in your world, rest easy. If the colors of trees and dogs and flags didn’t appear as vivid as they should, if food tasted blandly and a kiss from someone you love didn’t taste quite as sweet, take heart.

After the Kansas City Royals attempted to throw the planet off its orbit with their designs on relevency, the Minnesota Twins are here to right the ship. To restore the natural order of things. Because the Twins went out and signed barely-adequate, low strikeout, low ceiling starter Kevin Correia to a two-year, $10M contract. Breath deeply, it is all going to be okay.

For a team taking the “pitch to contact” mantra to its illogical conclusion, Kevin Correia is the perfect signing for Terry Ryan. With Kevin Correia on the hill, there is no threat of anything but contact – the former Pirate brings the second lowest K/9 rate and the second lowest K% among starters to throw 300 innings over the last two years to Target Field.

At $5 million per season, Correia’s deal is as harmless as it is depressing for Twins fans. A team mired in 95+ loss purgatory isn’t likely to improve much in the next two season, why not send out cannon fodder dressed as an innings eater, the kind of pitcher whose best attribute is his ability to make the season end that much more quickly.

It isn’t that Correia is just awful, he is so prototypically “Twins” that the inevitability of this entire process can only further break the spirits of Minnesota’s fine baseball fans. Build a beautiful ballpark, lock up local-boy-turned-homegrown-hero long term contract at fair market price, suffer forever. Let this lesson resonate within all of us: never, ever try.