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2012 was a milestone year for the Miami Marlins, with attendance expanding to more than 10,000 baseball fans, nightclub owners and exotic dancers, spanning 167 public housing blocks–figures that represent a growth rate 20 times that of a decade ago.

The driving force behind this unparalleled era of growth is Jeffery Loria, ecclesiastical owner of the Miami Marlins. Mr. Loria is unrelenting in his work for dozens of luxury box owners and the tax payers of Miami-Dade county. He has led a renaissance for Marlins baseball itself, while driving worldwide programs to serve communities through municipally-funded social and humanitarian initiatives.

Jeffery Loria spearheaded a program to convert every publicly-held parking lot into what baseball commissioner Bud Selig termed “Ideal Revenue Streams” (Ideal Yards). This new breed of publicly-funded ballpark is ideal in location, design, garishness of color scheme and comes at the expense of social betterment programs. Each is uniquely configured to accommodate the full array of exclusive modern art for ownership’s ego-satisfaction and the surrounding community’s desolation. Ideal Yards further house extensive public information multimedia displays that introduce scouting reports on the fresh batch of faceless pre-arb nobodies traded in exchange for all establish stars, along with highlights, sculptures and bizarrely located tropical fish tanks for an introduction to and study of truly vulgar excess. Marlins Park serves to host Giancarlo Stanton at bats and other marginally baseball related gatherings.

It is from this Ideal Yard that the Marlins extend their publicly-funded programs to mitigate loss, redefine replacement level, pocket revenue sharing money and provoke drug abuse from the one remaining good player.

More than 30 Ideal Yards have risen across the planet in recent years including those that now grace the world cultural centers of Montreal, Houston, Denver, and Chicago.

In the past year alone, Jeffery Loria attended an unprecedented 1 Marlins game.

The Marlins unprecedented year of expansion began when more than 1,500 fans, dignitaries and guests gathered in Marlins Park, to dedicate the city’s newest ballpark. Located in Little Havana, it stands in a landmark square of renowned churches at the depressed ghetto of the old city and will cost the Miami taxpayers money for more than a lifetime.

Jeffery Loria dedicated the new Marlins Park Ideal Yard in ceremonies attended by 2,500 Marlins fan, their guests and city and state dignitaries who handed over all the the public money in the first place. Loria escorts living legend Mohammed Ali around the grounds, the only way to ensure he was not struck with bottles and half-eaten Cuban sandwiches.

The Marlins inaugurated their new home to serve a growing congregation in the T & A region. Jeffery Loria was joined by more than a thousand leering weirdos and state, county and city officials who celebrated the opening of the 50,000-square-foot ballpark, which includes a three-acre pool for off-duty exoctic dancers.

The Marlins Park Statue, standing just miles from home plate, was inspired by Jeffery Loria’s fever dreams and horrified Marlins players, guests and city and state dignitaries alike. The Marlins’ new landmark, located in deep left-center field, is listed on city, state and national registers as a possible seizure risk for epileptics and others prone to psychosis.

Sponsor content presented by the Miami Marlins baseball club and thus paid for by the people of Miami.

Comments (8)

  1. *slow clap*

    Bravo

  2. I’m dying. I’m dead. Bury me under the Technicolor monolith.

  3. Gee wiz! I sure wish the Jays could get a guy like Jeffery Loria in their organization!

  4. “Jeffery Loria spearheaded a program to convert every publicly-held parking lot into what baseball commissioner Bud Selig termed “Ideal Revenue Streams” (Ideal Yards). This new breed of publicly-funded ballpark is ideal in location, design, garishness of color scheme and comes at the expense of social betterment programs. Each is uniquely configured to accommodate the full array of exclusive modern art for ownership’s ego-satisfaction and the surrounding community’s desolation. Ideal Yards further house extensive public information multimedia displays that introduce scouting reports on the fresh batch of faceless pre-arb nobodies traded in exchange for all establish stars, along with highlights, sculptures and bizarrely located tropical fish tanks for an introduction to and study of truly vulgar excess. Marlins Park serves to host Giancarlo Stanton at bats and other marginally baseball related gatherings.”

    Pretty much the best paragraph ever…

  5. I am interested in the ‘Ideal Yard’ program for my city/town/villiage. Who do I speak with?

  6. well done sirs, well done.

  7. Fantastic. That picture of Ali just makes me sad. At least when Garth Drabinsky dragged him up to Toronto for an Argos promotion Ali was still aware of his surroundings.

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