no comment twitter.com/JWerthsBeard/s…
There was a time when a man wore a mustache not out of the aching need for irony-based attention. There was a time when a man grew a mustache and cultivated his regal facial hair in a way that commanded respect, not jokes about white vans and small children or pornographic films of the 1970s.
Was it a better world? Perhaps. Maybe our lives are all worse because a guy can’t grow a mustache without his wife threatening to pack up his children and leave until that hideous lip hair is gone for good. In times like this, we need heroes. Cole Hamels might just be the hero we both need and deserve.
Cole Hamels’ name trended on twitter last night. Not because of his usual excellence on the pitching mound, as Hamels was not the Phillies scheduled starter when they hosted the Toronto Blue Jays in a final spring exhibition. Cole Hamels trended in the United States of America yesterday because the game was broadcast nationally on MLB Network and Hamels unveiled a glorious mustache. And the world was never the same again.
The first screenshot makes Hamels look positively Trebekian in his upper class affect and professorial gravitas. The kind of man you can trust with your life, or your last-ditch effort at contention if you’re the Phillies. Hamel’s stache is a throwback to a different time, no doubt a nod to the front office of his team, where everything old is new again (forever.)
More people need to follow the lead of Cole Hamels and grow a rock solid mustache, complementing their features and ensuring the trust of every man he meets. Most people need to follow the lead of Cole Hamels because he is a leader, obviously.
I love you all, but I don’t think Cole Hamels’ mustache is embarrassing. It’s… glorious.
— Ted Berg (@OGTedBerg) March 30, 2013
When even the curator of the Embarrassing Photos of Cole Hamels Museum and Web Archive can bow down and admit, yes – that is a glorious mustache, then Cole Hamels is doing something right. I’d argue he’s doing everything right. Leaving his San Diego surfer bro roots behind as he matures into a proper East Coast aristocrat. It’s called evolution, people.
As with all great moments in history, you can now commemorate Cole Hamels mustache by splashing it across your chest in t-shirt form. This Zoo with Roy joint is best suited for the two kinds of people who really shouldn’t have a mustache or, at worst, as beard: women and children.