USA v Canada - World Baseball Classic - First Round Group D

We’re entering the second week of the 2013 baseball season, which is just about the time when those who cover the minor leagues and prospects start adjusting their lists of the game’s future stars. It was my intention to compile a list of the top prospects in baseball, but I’m vastly under qualified to do such a thing. A list of the best minor league prospect names, though, now that’s something I can undertake.

In order to trim down the selection pool, players included had to be considered prospects. I was very generous with this designation, as many of the guys included will never see a Major League diamond. Guys with badass names like Kila Ka’aihue and Tuffy Gosewisch were excluded, though, because they’re nearly 30-years old now and no longer prospects by definition. So, in no specific order, but classified for your enjoyment, are the top 50 minor league prospect names:

Action film heroes
Chicago Cubs – 1B: Rock Shoulders – Best name in baseball. Period.
Boston Red Sox – SS: Xander Bogaerts
Seattle Mariners – P: Taijuan Walker
Milwaukee Brewers – P: Johnny Hellweg
Baltimore Orioles – OF: Xavier Avery

Could be the title of a Jay-Z album
New York Mets – P: Jeurys Familia

Video game characters
Boston Red Sox – 1B: Boss Moanaroa – *Googles “killing Boss Moanaroa walkthrough”*
Arizona Diamondbacks – C: Stryker Trahan – Two career options: a catcher or lead in a first-person shooter
Philadelphia Phillies – OF: Gauntlett Eldemire

C’mon now, what’s your real name?
Texas Rangers – 2B: Rougned Odor – Robbed Jake Odorizzi of all the B.O. jokes
Baltimore Orioles – OF: L.J. Hoes
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – SS: Caleb Bushyhead
Seattle Mariners – 2B: Jamodrick McGruder
Los Angeles Dodgers – OF: Yasiel Puig – Squeal!

Aristocratic
Los Angeles Dodgers – P: Duke von Schamann
Arizona Diamondbacks – OF: Socrates Brito

Cartoon characters
Tampa Bay Rays – P: Chris Archer – Endless FX jokes
New York Yanees – 2B: Angelo Gumbs
New York Mets – OF: Brandon Nimmo
Milwaukee Brewers – 2B: Scooter Gennett
Milwaukee Brewers – P: Wily Peralta

Oblique drug/alcohol references
Washington Nationals – 3B/1B: Matt Skole – You know, like chewing tobacco but spelled differently
San Diego Padres – P: Max Fried
Pittsburgh Pirates – P: Jameson Taillon

80 Baseball name rating
Kansas City Royals – OF: Bubba Starling
San Diego Padres – OF: Rymer Liriano
Minnesota Twins – OF: Byron Buxton
New York Yankees – OF: Slade Heathcott
Texas Rangers – 2B: Jurickson Profar
Seattle Mariners – C: Mike Zunino

Breakfast Cereals
Minnesota Twins – P: J.O. Berrios

For the copy editors/pun enthusiasts
Boston Red Sox – P: Brandon Workman – MLB.com headline writers call dibs on “Workman-like effort”
Arizona Diamondbacks – SS: Didi Gregorius
Cleveland Indians – P: Michael Goodnight – Just go ahead and make him a closer
San Francisco Giants – SS: Joe Panik – Better be sure handed with a name like that
Baltimore Orioles – P: Kevin Gausman – Armed with a mid-90s fastball, you know he’s the Gas Man
Colorado Rockies – SS: Trevor Story
St. Louis Cardinals – 3B: Patrick Wisdom

Auto-generated MLB The Show Prospect Names
Oakland Athletics – P: Sonny Gray
Chicago Cubs – P: Pierce Johnson – A consonant away from a penis piercing joke
Oakland Athletics – 1B/3B: Miles Head
New York Yankees – P: Manny Banuelos

… and the rest
Tampa Bay Rays – OF: Mikie Mahtook
Chicago White Sox – P: Scott Snodgress
Texas Rangers – P: Wilmer Font – Lacks the good face but makes it up in typeface
New York Mets – P: Noah Syndergaard
Chicago Cubs – 3B: Jeimer Candelario
Cincinnati Reds – OF: Jesse Winker – A Noun within proper noun
Cleveland Indians – SS: Dorssys Paulino – Almost a muscle group
Los Angeles Dodgers – P: Onelki Garcia – There can only be one

Big thanks to the great @Archizuber for the inspiration