Ryan Cook, 2012 All Star. Seriously.

Ryan Cook, 2012 All Star. Seriously.

I think it was Abraham Lincoln who once said that they only thing worse than internet democracy is some cabal of baseball scribes deciding who the public at large wants to watch at the baseball all-star game. Something like that, might not be precise quote.

Anyway, the All Star ballot is out today and it is as hilarious as you might expect something released this early into the long, long season might be. Voting for the All Star game is a flawed process but, then again, who cares?

Famous players will be there. Yankees will be there. Undeserving players coasting on a hot start will be there. Again: not that big a deal. Justin Upton could go 0 for May but his hot start will get him there guaranteed. And that’s okay. Justin Upton is awesome and and a star, you couldn’t really have an All Star game without him. Same with Derek Jeter. He’s Derek Jeter!

Those minor quibbles aside, there are some pretty high-larious deep cuts on the ballot. My five flush-your-vote votes:

  • Brett Wallace. Not even in the big leagues right now, this will be the go-to vote burn this all star season.
    Brett  Wallace all star
  • Jamey Carroll was a living bugman long before Hunter Pence‘s first molting. He deserves to be your All Star at second base.
    Jamey  Carroll all star
  • Brendan Ryan because TOPICAL HUMOUR
    brendan ryan all star
  • Jeff Keppinger because, as of this moment, his OBP is lower than his batting average. Lower. Less than. His below the Mendoza line batting average. ALL STAR
    keppinger all star
  • Carlos Ruiz. It doesn’t matter if he won’t make his season debut until this weekend, you gotta COT FOR CHOICE whenever you can.
    choice all star

Get out and vote, y’all. Do your worst.