Wouldn’t you like to unwrap memories of the Raiders’ glory years on Christmas morning?
I’ll never forget the year my dad thought it was a good idea to buy mom a tire iron for Christmas. She had recently been stranded with a flat tire, so it seemed like a perfectly practical gift. Wrapped and placed under the tree without any kind of a makeshift box, it looked like a bow and arrow set.
Sometimes the male breed learns that diamonds are indeed a girl’s best friend, and sometimes that lesson takes a tire iron.
With just over a week left until Christmas, you’re busy making sure little Sally gets her zhu zhu hamster, and Johnny gets his Bob the Builder set. But if there’s an NFL fan running to a Christmas tree near you, there are options for all ages.
Five awful NFL gifts
Nothing says fun like punching out mediocrity
Cowboys Boxing puppet
Many of the worst best buys are geared towards kids. Sure, this toy will probably be great fun, but how will dad feel as he’s watching his Cowboys lose again, while being punched repeatedly in the face by an angry puppet wearing the sacred blue star?
Because drinking always leads to tackling…
Giants tackling dummy
On the surface, this seems like another kids toy. And it is, but the fine marketing folks at the NFL have a different purpose in mind. Their suggested use for this tackling dummy will end in a beer soaked inflatable doll, which is a nightmare from college you’d rather forget.
Add some fun to your tailgating party or backyard barbecue with this officially licensed Fremont Die NFL® team Tackle Buddy. Just inflate the Tackle Buddy and take out your pre-game or post-game stress by beating down on the inflatable. The bounce-back action of the Tackle Buddy will keep you coming back for more.
I’m sure these little air-filled pockets of fun do indeed pop up at tailgate parties around the NFL. I’m also sure that booze, testosterone, and the bitterness of losing don’t mix well with a little cute tackling dummy.
Thanks, now we can be reminded of a failed season after wrestling with a cube
Washington Redskins Rubik’s cube
The ideal stocking stuffer for the geeky football fan in your life, who also happens to be the only geeky football fan.
For those who enjoy them–again, geeks and tech nerds–the rubik’s cube is a relaxing mental diversion. After watching your Redskins lose for the eighth time, I can’t think of a better way to ease the tension.
A tribute to an already forgotten era in Cardinals history
Matt Leinart autographed jersey
Somewhere there’s a grandmother loaded with cash who knows how much her son loves his Cardinals football. There’s just one problem: she knows nothing about football.
But this hypothetical grandma is also one of those rare internet savvy old folks, and she finds a signed Matt Leinart jersey at a reasonable price for a piece of autographed apparel. Just like the Culpepper jersey, this will put your smiling skills to the test on Christmas morning.
I’d rather have the tire iron.
Own an autographed piece of NFL history, just not the good kind of history
Autographed Rae Carruth card
Price: $3.00 (marked down from $100…score!)
A few years back the almighty Bill Simmons did a list similar to this one, only he counted down the top 50 worst NFL gifts. We don’t have the time or the 90210 references to live up to Mr. Simmons.
But there’s one piece of gold unearthed by Simmons that has to be included in every list of comedic football Christmas fun. Rae Carruth shot his pregnant wife in 1999, and is currently serving a prison sentence of 18 years and 11 months. Not to make light of a serious situation and an awful crime, but what kind of person would ever pay a cent for his autograph?