The better football teams will presumably win the four wild-card playoff games this weekend. But what if football skill didn’t decide football games? What if the coolest cities always prevailed? For the third year in a row, I bring you the city vs. city wild-card breakdown:

New York vs. Indianapolis

Population:
New York: 8 million
Indy: 780,000

Claim to fame:
New York: 47 million tourists visit NYC each year
Indy: Indianapolis 500

Nickname:
New York: Big Apple
Indy: Crossroads of America

Coolest celebrities:
New York: Adam Sandler, Jon Stewart, Steve Buscemi, Jimmy Fallon, Lady Gaga, Jay-Z
Indy: David Letterman, Brendan Fraser, Jared the Subway guy

Hottest celebrities:
New York: Scarlett Johansson, Anne Hathaway, Alyssa Milano
Indy: Vivica A. Fox

Fox (right) is overmatched by the likes of Johansson (left)

Weather:
New York: blue
Indy: red

Winner: New York. You had us at “Scarlett.”

Baltimore vs. Kansas City

Population:
Baltimore: 650,000
Kansas City: 440,000

Claim to fame:
Baltimore: Crab cakes, Edgar Allan Poe
Kansas City: Steak, Ernest Hemingway

Nickname:
Baltimore: Charm City
Kansas City: KC

Coolest celebrities:
Baltimore: Tom Clancy, Pat Sajak, Babe Ruth, David Hasselhoff
Kansas City: David Cook (American Idol winner), Don Cheadle, Dr. Phil

Hottest celebrities:
Baltimore: Stacy Keibler
Kansas City: Brooke Ashley (porn star), Sara Evans (country singer)

Evans (left) takes on former WWE diva Kiebler (right)

Weather:
Baltimore: red
Kansas City: blue

Winner: Kansas City. But only because Baltimore scares the crap out of us.

Green Bay vs. Philadelphia

Population:
Green Bay: 100,000
Philly: 1.5 million

Claim to fame:
Green Bay: Um, the Packers.
Philly: Cheese steaks

Nickname:
Green Bay: Titletown, USA
Philly: City of Brotherly Love

Coolest celebrities:
Green Bay: Tony Shalhoub (from the TV show Monk)
Philly: Will Smith, Tina Fey, Bradley Cooper

Hottest celebrities:
Green Bay: Heather Graham, Jessica Szohr (both from Milwaukee)
Philly: Kelly Monaco, Pink

It's a toss-up between Graham (left) and Monaco (right)

Weather:
Green Bay: red
Philly: blue

Winner: Philadelphia. Who the hell are Tony Shalhoub and Jessica Szohr?

New Orleans vs. Seattle

Population:
New Orleans: 485,000
Seattle: 563,000

Claim to fame:
New Orleans: Mardi Gras
Seattle: A tie between rain, Starbucks and grunge

Nickname:
New Orleans: Big Easy
Seattle: Emerald City

Coolest celebrities:
New Orleans: Lil Wayne, Ellen DeGeneres
Seattle: Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Rainn Wilson

Hottest celebrities:
New Orleans: Reese Witherspoon, Tia Texada
Seattle: Bianca Kajlich, Gianna Michaels (porn star)

Bianca (left) and Tia (right) aren't well-known actresses, but is anyone complaining?

Weather:
New Orleans: red
Seattle: blue

Winner: New Orleans. Sixty-seven percent of Seattle’s cool celebs are deceased.