The Oakland Raiders’ long-held mantra has been to “just win baby.” Owner Al Davis tweaked that a little bit today to “just improve, or you’re gone.”

Leave it to crazy Al, the freakish looking man who fired Tom Cable after he led the Raiders to their strongest finish in eight seasons, to embed some previously unknown incentives in Nnamdi Asomugha’s contract. Consequently, the All-Pro cornerback¬† who signed a lucrative extension two years ago has now seen his contract voided, and will become a free agent.

Asomugha didn’t met the incentives in his contract, and will be a hot commodity on the open market. The incentives were rather simple, and required a performance improvement over last season, according to ESPN’s Adam Schefter.

So in summary, we’ve witnessed yet another bout of the pure, unbridled idiocy that’s become commonplace for the dumbest team in America professional sports. The incentives Asomugha was required to meet were attainable, but barely, and within the contract clause the Raiders also agreed not to franchise or transition tag their best defensive player. They pushed him out the door, and Davis used every ounce of strength in his Montgomery Burns body to slam it violently.

I’m really beginning to wonder if Davis would would get past the opening round of “Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”. Surely any questions about Europe being a country or a continent would be his undoing.

From Schefter:

To achieve his incentives, Asomugha had to play in a greater number of defensive plays in 2010 than he did in 2009, and this season Asomugha played in only 14 games whereas he played in all 16 in 2009.

He also could have achieved his incentives by improving upon on his interceptions, fumble recoveries or sacks this season — but he didn’t have any interceptions, fumble recoveries or sacks this season.

Sure, that sounds simple enough…if it was the truth. We uncovered the lost pages in Asomugha’s contract, and found the real incentives written in Comic Sans by Davis himself.

It wasn’t pretty.

  • Asomugha was expected to send at least one private photo of himself to a Raiders gameday employee.
  • He failed in his assignment to find a reverse-aging ointment for Davis. Sort of like this.
  • In addition to this medical wizardry, Asomugha had to magically turn Jason Campbell into Jim Plunkett. He failed in this as well.
  • Throughout the course of his $45 million extension signed in February of 2009, Asomugha was required to keep all quarterbacks away from Purple Drank. He didn’t meet this incentive, but at least that kept someone in Mobile, Alabama in business.
  • To satisfy Davis’ infatuation with combine superheroes, he was expected to run 40 yards in a straight line daily throughout the entire year for no reason whatsoever.
  • He was required to file at least two anti-trust lawsuits against the NFL. By all indications, he didn’t even file one.
  • He didn’t succeed in harnessing the physical strength of Tom Cable to break the jaws of opponents, and not his own coaches.