What if the coolest cities always prevailed in the NFL playoffs? Well, the Chiefs, Eagles and Saints wouldn’t have lost in the wild-card round. Here’s how things are shaping up this weekend…

Baltimore vs. Pittsburgh

Population:
Baltimore: 650,000
Pittsburgh: 312,000

Claim to fame:
Baltimore: Crab cakes, murder
Pittsburgh: Steel, bridges, rivers

Nickname:
Baltimore: Charm City
Pittsburgh: Steel City

Coolest celebrities:
Baltimore: Tom Clancy, Pat Sajak, Babe Ruth, David Hasselhoff
Pittsburgh: Bret Michaels, Jimmy Stewart, Andy Warhol, Christina Aguilera

Hottest celebrities:
Baltimore: Stacy Keibler
Pittsburgh: Beth Ostrosky Stern

Weather:
Baltimore: Red
Pittsburgh: Blue

Winner: Baltimore. Keibler and slightly warmer weather make up for all the murder.

Green Bay vs. Atlanta

Population:
Green Bay: 100,000
Atlanta: 538,000

Claim to fame:
Green Bay: The Packers
Atlanta: Home to the world’s busiest airport and Turner Broadcasting (CNN)

Nickname:
Green Bay: Titletown, USA
Atlanta: Hotlanta

Coolest celebrities:
Green Bay: Tony Shalhoub
Atlanta: Kanye West, Usher, Ryan Seacrest

Hottest celebrities:
Green Bay: Heather Graham, Jessica Szohr (both from Milwaukee)
Atlanta: Keri Hilson, Ciara, Julia Roberts

Weather:
Green Bay: Blue
Atlanta: Red

Winner: Atlanta. Hot almost always beats cold.

Seattle vs. Chicago

Population:
Seattle: 563,000
Chicago: 2.9 million

Claim to fame:
Seattle: A tie between rain, Starbucks and grunge
Chicago: Deep-dish pizza, tall towers

Nickname:
Seattle: Emerald City
Chicago: Windy City

Coolest celebrities:
Seattle: Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, Rainn Wilson
Chicago: Oprah Winfrey, Robin Williams, Vince Vaughn, Jeremy Piven, Harrison Ford

Hottest celebrities:
Seattle: Bianca Kajlich, Gianna Michaels (porn star)
Chicago: Nadine Velazquez, Jenny McCarthy, Kiele Sanchez

Weather:
Seattle: Red
Chicago: Blue

Winner: Chicago. Seattle doesn’t have enough firepower, or enough celebrities that are alive.

New York vs. Boston

Population:
New York: 8 million
Boston: 645,000

Claim to fame:
New York: 47 million tourists visit NYC each year
Boston: America’s higher education Mecca

Nickname:
New York: Big Apple
Boston: Beantown

Coolest celebrities:
New York: Adam Sandler, Jon Stewart, Steve Buscemi, Jimmy Fallon, Lady Gaga, Jay-Z
Boston: Mark Wahlberg, Jay Leno, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon

Hottest celebrities:
New York: Scarlett Johansson, Anne Hathaway, Alyssa Milano
Boston: Uma Thurman, Eliza Dushku

Weather:
New York: Red
Boston: Blue

Winner: New York. But only because Boston loses points for Leno.

Comments (3)

  1. Dude, how could you miss “The Wire” under Baltimore’s claims to fame?

  2. “Dude, how could you miss “The Wire” under Baltimore’s claims to fame?”

    +1.

    Ray Lewis has nothing on Marlo Stanfield.

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