Sam Bradford achieved his dream of being selected first overall last spring. But where would you be selected if there was an annual office draft?

In a typical NFL offseason, the league’s most coveted free agents would have found new homes or signed lucrative deals with their current teams a month ago. There would have been flash bulbs, and smiley happy people who are laughing, and possibly holding hands. After all the high fives and handshakes, at least a few dissenting voices would be angry about the contracts of professional athletes.

As normal people earning normal paychecks, we can’t even begin to relate to the amount of money reeled in by football players. But there’s another major aspect of NFL life that’s also beyond our comprehension: the draft. ‘Tis the season for mock drafts, and updated mock drafts, but have you stopped to consider just how much different our lives would be if we had to go through the draft process to earn an average office job?

Of course you haven’t, but we did, because that’s the kind of thing that we think about. Recently our friends over at Houses of the Hockey considered the consequences/benefits of your workplace operating just like the NHL. But what would happen if each spring to get hired or receive a promotion there was an office draft similar to the NFL’s annual spectacle?

The only certainty is a swift spike in unemployment and job dissatisfaction.

  • Throughout your time at previous entry level positions, men with clipboards, stopwatches and their corporate name emblazoned on their jackets will show up at your office. You won’t know when they’re coming, and sometimes you won’t even know that they’re there at all. Their looming, unpredictable presence creates tension, causing you to leave typos in reports and forget to return the stapler after borrowing it from human resources.
  • Another unnerving aspect of your entry level job is the camera mounted at your desk. This camera records your entire working day, and the workday film it generates will be heavily scrutinized by your future superiors prior to the draft.
  • Randomly in mid-March during your holidays when you’re not even working  or producing any material that could be questioned by those same future bosses, you’ll read reports of your stock falling, and you’ll have no idea why.
  • Each February there’s a nationwide event to measure the skills of prospective employees. Your draft projection plummets when your words per minute on the keyboard is 10 words lower than most others.
  • You remain confident in your abilities and think it’s a good idea to complete a full TPS report in front of potential employers, but your wife says it’s a bad idea.
  • After this event you will be asked to fly around the country for visits with employers who may be interested in hiring you. Later you’ll learn that for most of these employers your visit was just part of a scheme to make other offices think they were interested in you, when in truth they had no interest whatsoever. Given the amount of time you spent away from your family, you feel used and betrayed.
  • Despite being a pawn in an elaborate rouse, you’re still happy with where your value sits a week prior to the draft. But then a video surfaces of that one time years ago when you lost your composure…
  • During the interview, intense personal questions are asked. When it’s discovered that you skipped classes in high school, and you’ve been known to not replace paper towels, corporate leaders grow concerned about your character.
  • You have an awkward writing motion. You’re right-handed, but you hold a pen as though you’re left-handed. It’s a strange and rare approach that’s worked since the moment you learned to write, but it casts tremendous doubt over your ability to adapt and work in a pressure-filled environment.
  • As a result of your unique writing motion, there’s talk of shifting you to an entirely new position. Some offices selecting high in the draft are giving heavy consideration to making you work as a sales rep on the road. You’ve very nervous because you’ve never done this before.
  • You thrived at your previous job, earning employee of the month honours several times, and you were nominated for the prestigious Atlantic Golden Eagle Award. But your skills were honed in a more open, sociable office environment that requires you to work at a cubicle instead of a more secluded private office. It’s difficult to predict how you’ll make the adjustment.
  • The draft is held in New York, and after being selected with the first overall pick you refuse to attend work, citing a need for more money. Oddly, your new employers don’t see this as poor behaviour, and it doesn’t result in your immediate firing. In fact, it increases their sense of urgency to push ahead with contract negotiations and raise your yearly salary.