Idle hands and minds do evil deeds. We’re not sure if that applies to football broadcasters and the laughing men in suits we watch every Sunday in the fall and winter, but we know that Gus Johnson seems pretty damn crazy.
So with optimism still at a premium during the NFL’s work stoppage, the men and women who cover the league may have to find something else to do on Sundays. Already the calendar has flipped to June with September on the not-so-distant horizon, and yesterday NBC’s Cris Collinsworth announced that he’s taking matters into his own hands.
The Sunday Night Football analyst found another way get his football fix if the NFL does indeed lose regular-season games: he has accepted a position as the wide receivers coach for his son’s high school team. Of course, this prompted us to think about other ways NFL broadcasters can stay busy, because that’s the kind of thing that we think about around here.
Analysts, play-by-play voices, and pre-game panel members are high-profile football faces who are accustomed to a busy travel schedule, and having little free time for five months of the year. Surely there’s some way they can still make a meaningful contribution to society without the NFL.
The list: Other employment opportunities and hobbies for NFL broadcasters
- Terry Bradshaw just needs a job that requires him to laugh for about two hours straight, and I think I have a creative solution: old age homes. During their golden years the elderly can sometimes become depressed by loneliness and boredom, which is why old age homes often have dogs or pleasant singing children come in to lift spirits. If Bradshaw just toured around to different facilities and laughed for no reason whatsoever, happiness would immediately spread. You just can’t be sad with a loud cackling man in the room, and really Bradshaw won’t be that much younger than his elderly audience anyway.
- Phil Simms is versatile and has a number of options, but two stand out. He could be a club bouncer, but not just any bouncer. His specific role would be to ride shotgun alongside retired players who have a son either in the NFL or playing high-level college football, and ensure that nothing negative is ever said about the son’s playing future. He will be encouraged to use whatever force is necessary, although this may create a conflict when other retired players are the offending target.
- If Simms isn’t keen on putting himself in the line of fire, perhaps a more laid back approach sans football is ideal. He can call his friends and make a lucrative workout video, and they’ll all shuffle and do jumping jacks in the exact same outfits they wore over 20 years ago…
- While researching potential employment opportunities for Fox macho man Howie Long, instinctively Hollywood stardom came to mind given his tremendous cinematic success with Firestorm and Broken Arrow. Then the trivia section of his IMDB biography revealed a nice little fun fact that may be totally bogus, but it’s far more fun to just believe it’s true. Apparently the hulking Howie won’t travel in the same plane as his wife because he’s afraid that if the unthinkable happened, his children would be orphaned. Logically then he’ll turn this paranoia into an occupation, standing guard at major airplane terminals to ensure man and wife travel separately.
- Joe Buck is one of the few football announcers who takes his talents to another sport, calling baseball for Fox as well. But he’ll still have some free time on his hands once the MLB season wraps up in late October. With his sterling reputation for clean-cut language and conduct, and his advocacy against on-air discussion of LSD, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) will gladly offer Buck a senior position.
- Former Dallas Cowboys coach and current Fox NFL Sunday talking head Jimmy Johnson dabbled in reality TV with his appearance on Survivor that lasted only three episodes. Perhaps the set of Big Brother will lead to more success, a place where going long is very much encouraged.
- Dan Marino will design a new line of footballs that feature no laces, forever conquering his crippling fear. Unfortunately, this may also signal the end of a highly popular high school garage band (oxymoron? Yes).
- Shannon Sharpe will help motorists in distress while working for the American Automobile Association, with his outgoing personality and kind demeanor ideal for customer service. But he won’t last long since he still refuses to assist Ray Buchanan in a raging blizzard…