Your cell phone pictures of his future wife's rear will not defeat Jay Cutler's boredom.

Rich people get rich people things. This much is understood and obvious whenever two people who regularly reside in a world of exotic spending are forever linked through marital bliss. But it’s still interesting to see exactly what “rich people things” means for each set of rich people.

We received a small glimpse into this mystic world as it relates to NFL players and their new brides earlier this summer when Joe Flacco’s somewhat bland and boring wedding registry was released. We learned that big Joe needs a chrome pasta maker when he whips together his finest dinner dish, and that he wields a mean Dyson Ball vacuum while doing housework ($650).

Bears quarterback Jay Cutler announced his engagement to Kristin Cavallari and her fabricated reality TV fame back in April. People.com uncovered the couple’s wedding registry for Crate and Barrel and Williams-Sonoma, which has been posted nearly a year in advance of their July, 7 2012 wedding date. Why so early? To give rival fans plenty of time to purchase a personalized gravy boat and ship it to Cutler’s doorstep, of course.

Similar to Flacco’s list, the notable items for the Cutler/Cavallari union were sparse, which isn’t surprising since the interview recordings of the two quarterbacks have been used to put toddlers to sleep. But there were still a few interesting observations:

  • We can conclude that whenever this happy little glamor couple entertains other glittery couples, there will be an abundance of alcohol drank over a short period of time. That’s what happens when 20 ounce beer glasses and 2.5 ounce shot glasses are lying around.
  • Every man needs a stuffed hamburger press. Had Kristin fought Jay on this, he would have left the wedding halfway through her vows, retiring to the limo and pouting while a more efficient listener then stepped up to the altar and temporarily substituted.
  • Although Williams-Sonoma is offering it at the low, discounted, and highly affordable price of $2,799.95, the Shun Kaji 19-piece knife block set is regularly valued at over $4,350. Culinary websites give the Shun Kaji knives raving reviews, with one site saying the knives are “well received among the cooking elite and ambitious hobby chefs.” Sorry, Bears fans, but Cutler is about to put on some weight with his hobby chef bride manning the kitchen. He’s due for a few more blows in the pocket anyway, because 77 sacks over the last two years isn’t nearly enough.
  • There’s a clear baking and cooking blitz, with eight baking items–including two pie dishes–making the list for a combined value of $228.95. Tack on the nearly $2,609 in cookware, and it looks like Cutler dug up a fine lady friend who does a lot more than just look good in a glass bikini.
  • I find it hard to believe that Cutler didn’t already own a waffle maker. This is a standard if not required post-secondary tool. When the world seems to hate you, nothing brightens a cloudy day quite like a classic Belgian waffle. Cutler doesn’t enjoy having his toughness questioned, which means that by now he should have grown to passionately enjoy waffles.
  • When waffles fail as comfort food, cooking up a nice juicy crab is like breaking the safety glass. This is why durable enamel crab crackers are vital…four of them.

Comments (1)

  1. [...] home and have Kristin Cavallari nurse his wounds anymore. Oh well, I hope he’s enjoying the set of knives I sent for his canceled wedding. No Comments Previous post Tuesday links: We need more jerseys declaring Tim Tebow our lord [...]

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