Before you run to the kitchen for the nearest knife and embark on a quest to find this doll and stab it in the heart, please be aware that this is a battle you can’t win. The list of insomnia-inducing football dolls is short, but they were made by an incredibly mighty higher power.

This Troy Polamalu doll made from felt, velvet, and fleece and marketed as the “second-cuddliest Troy Polamalu around” will demonize your life for a cool $29, with an extra $6 thrown in for shipping and handling if you live outside of the U.S. The price is much steeper for the vintage and far more sinister looking Red Grange doll.

Grange and his wide-grinned, evil-eyed glare was available on eBay in 2008 for $1,150, according to Chicagoist. Since the only humans crazy enough to spend that much money on a demonic doll are the same people crazy enough to make more dolls that will eat your soul, this is indeed a battle that will never be won.

Lock your doors, and hide your wife and kids. They may even come after husbands too.

Thanks for ruining my sleep for the rest of this week, Sportress of Blogitude and P.S.A.M.P