Ndamukong Suh knows that the proper way to kill a bear with his bare hands is to directly target the head. This is the known point of weakness, and any other approach could result in a dangerous, reputation-altering situation with Kristin Cavallari tearfully running onto a football field to embrace Jay Cutler. This is unacceptable.
Suh knows this because although he’s cleverly disguised as a normally functioning human being, he’s actually a real lion. And now his background and intelligence in the ways of the lion are needed at the Detroit Zoo, because his fellow lion brothers and sisters seem to be losing their natural instincts to rip apart any bear from Chicago.
Earlier this week as part of what zoo officials called an “element” in the lions’ daily enrichment program, a little Chicago Bears player stuff with meat was placed in the lion exhibit at the Detriot Zoo. We’d pretend this little guy is Jay Cutler, but that would ruin the illusion entirely because this syrofoam and cardboard character is actually smiling.
Don’t let his cute and cuddly appearance fool you. He still has more receiving yards than Roy Williams…
The Big Lead has the pictures of what happened next, but Off The Bench has the not-so-gruesome video, with the lions at first choosing cuddling over carnage, and prancing in front of adoring children over pouncing on their prey…
Friends, we’ve just watched the end of a once storied rivalry. If one team named after an animal can’t even put a likeness of another team named after an animal in a cage with a real animal and have it devoured immediately, then why even play this game Monday night? There’s no passion, no intensity, and no desire to literally rip someone’s head off.
Ahh, but we’ve spoken too soon. The Shelby Utica Patch assures us that limbs were indeed severed eventually.
A lioness was the first to pick up the scent. As she moved quickly to the piñata, a male lion was close behind. The female slowly paced around the piñata. She backed away when the male lion moved in, his curiosity picqued.
Soon both became distracted and paced around the exhibit. Eventually the female lion moved in and attacked her prey by biting off its arm. The crowd let out loud “oohs and ahs” as she lay down in front of her fans to eat her breakfast.
We’ve still not satisfied with the lack of immediate killer instinct, but the protection given to the effigy is about on par with the protection Cutler receives in the pocket, so maybe savoring the kill is more rewarding.
Zoos in the two cities have made a friendly wager prior to Monday’s game between the undefeated Lions and the 2-2 Bears, and the winner gets to place another effigy in the loser’s lion exhibit. This leads to a gloriously evil idea for the Bears after they win: the Mike Ditka cardboard doll that’s reading a copy of Jeff Pearlman’s latest literary masterpiece.