Archive for October 30th, 2011

Worst onside kick: Somewhere deep inside of Bill Belichick’s mind is a tiny little man wearing a hood and hovering over his tiny calculator. Basically, it’s mini Belichick, which would undoubtedly be the scariest Halloween costume of the season if you saw it lurking in the darkness tomorrow night.

When the Patriots are faced with a critical late-game decision, mini Belichick determines the correct path by using a complex formula similar to the one used by eight year olds every Christmas to track the exact position of Santa. After the Patriots scored to cut Pittsburgh’s lead to 23-17 with 2:36 remaining, mini Belichick was summoned. Was an onside kick the right call, or could the defense be trusted to get a stop with all three timeouts still available?

After several seconds of intense thought and button-pushing, this is what mini Belichick produced…

You might say that it was the execution, and not the decision that should be blamed for the outcome. And in fairness, Stephen Gostkowski probably should have adjusted his skirt before his onside kick attempt. But he shouldn’t have even been put in a position to fail.

There were two potential scenarios here, both with clear risk, but one with far more than the other. The Patriots could have kicked deep and forced Ben Roethlisberger to drive a far greater distance before attempting a game-clinching field goal. Jerod Mayo was back in the lineup defensively, which should have given Belichick far more confidence in his team’s ability to stop the run.

Including the two-minute warning, New England had four chances to stop the clock, and two large humans–Albert Haynesworth and Vince Wilfork–up the middle who had held Rashard Mendenhall to a moderate 70 rushing yards on 13 carries. The odds of getting the ball back and scoring after kicking deep were significantly more favorable than attempting a low percentage dribbling onside kick, especially since the Pats haven’t had a successful onside kick since 1994.

Yes, here we are again confused over another needless risk by a highly intelligent, defensive-minded coach who doesn’t trust the defense he’s assembled.

Worst new fad: Pogs were really cool for a while, and then we realized that playing with little pieces of cardboard isn’t something that people with actual houses and dependable incomes should do for entertainment. A fad is a delicate, fragile thing, and the second it’s overexposed it dies tragically.

Friends, I believed we witnessed the end of a viral trend today. Rest in peace, Tebowing.

It was cool when Tebow was Tebowed.

But then the meme met its demise in that same game when tight end and former Bronco Tony Scheffler briefly bowed to the heavens too.

Hopefully today’s overexposure on national television has indeed killed Tebowing. If we learned anything from planking, it’s only a matter of time until someone gets hurt…

Least surprising eight-week trend: Sometimes we undercover surprising stats that are unique and compelling. Then there are other times when we embark on an adventure down the statistical rabbit hole and find exactly what we thought we’d find. This is definitely the latter, but it still shows just how painfully average the Browns’ passing game has been.

We’re now two games shy of being through eight weeks of NFL football in 2011, meaning we’re also one week away from the official halfway point of the season. So there’s been plenty of opportunities to throw footballs, catch footballs, run with footballs, and score with footballs. And yet still the Browns haven’t had a single 100-yard receiver in a game.

Pinning the inadequacies of the Browns’ passing offense on one element is both difficult and unfair. The support from the running game has been inconsistent with Peyton Hillis either hobbled or unhealthy. He missed his third game today, and Montario Hardesty has been effective at times during what’s essentially his rookie season, but he’s still averaging only 3.3 yards per carry.

But the true source of Cleveland’s passing debacle is Colt McCoy, or more accurately, his arm. The Browns still don’t trust him to throw deep, and plays are rarely designed to stretch the field and establish anything that resembles a deep attack putting stress on opposing secondaries.

McCoy is asked to throw plenty, and has had four games with at least 35 passing attempts, and one with 61 attempts back in Week 4. But despite the volume of attempts, he’s still averaging only 5.5 yards per attempt.

When trust dies in a relationship, the end is near. Pat Shurmur doesn’t trust McCoy, and that disconnect is wasting the speed of Josh Cribbs, Greg Little, and Mohamad Massaquoi.

The absolute worst place to be driven out of bounds: Luckily the joker, Shrek, lady Robin, and that orange-haired creature are all on Torrey Smith’s side since they live deep in the bowels of the Ravens’ home field and only come out once a year.

Little known facts: Shrek is actually Baltimore’s offensive coordinator, and the Joker is actually Ray Lewis.

(via Mocksession.com)

Best retro performance: It felt like 2006 in St. Louis, and not just because the Cardinals are World Series champs again.

At the age of 28 Steven Jackson is rapidly approaching the rocking chair phase of his career, a time when formerly routine performances become special and exceptional. That’s pretty much what happened today when Jackson finished with 159 rushing yards and two touchdowns on 25 carries, leading a Rams rushing offense that made the Saints defense do its best Rams impersonation while trying to stop the run.

Most disgusting start to a season in the all-time history of the NFL, and possibly of sports and life: Chris Johnson still sucks, and there’s no conceivable or believable excuse. The Titans held a lead throughout their win over the Colts, and at one point the gap was 20 points. Johnson was running against a defense that prior to today was only ahead of the Rams in terms of stopping the run, which means they’re woefully and tragically awful (the Colts were allowing 150.9 yards per game against the run). And as far as we know he’s fully healthy.

There’s no reason why a player with such tremendous burst should be this bad for this long, and after eight games we’re also far past the point where Johnson’s training camp contract holdout is an acceptable crutch. At one point in the second quarter today he had just one yard on four carries, which prompted the only logical move for Tennessee’s offense in the second half.

Late in the game the Titans needed a reliable runner to grind down the clock and put the sleeper hold on Indianapolis, and the ball wasn’t placed in Johnson’s hands as it has so often over the past few seasons. Instead Javon Ringer’s number was called, and a running back who’s usually buried as Johnson’s backup received 10 carries in the fourth quarter, while Johnson only had one.

The boxscore will reflect an even distribution, with both runners getting 14 carries apiece. But Ringer nearly doubled Johnson’s production (60 rushing yards to 34), while ascending to become the Titans’ fourth quarter battering ram. We’re actually reaching a point where a platoon situation in the Tennessee backfield isn’t an outlandish or preposterous idea.

Poor games were once an anomaly for Johnson, but now the opposite is true. In Week 4 he had 101 rushing yards against Houston, and now in Tennessee’s other six games combined he has just 201 yards for a meek average of 33.5 yards per game.

Most depressing first half in the all-time history of the NFL for running backs: Forget about Johnson’s start, and his continued struggles. Sure, they’re notable, which is why we noted them, but that’s a continued trend of terribleness. What’s surprising is that Adrian Peterson nearly equaled Johnson’s abysmal first half with just 14 yards on eight carries. For those keeping score of such random matters, between Johnson and Peterson two running backs who both averaged over 85 rushing yards per game last year combined for just 27 first half yards.

Of course the glaring contrast between the two is that we still have faith in Peterson’s ability to turn around a poor first half, or at the very least find other ways to contribute if he’s being stymied as a pure rusher. Today, he did both.

At first when he was stone-walled by a usually weak Carolina run defense Peterson turned to the air, showing his versatility by becoming a reliable safety valve for rookie Christian Ponder out of the backfield with three receptions for 61 yards and a touchdown in the first half. Then, after consistent pounding, the Panther wall finally crumbled, and Peterson had 73 second half rushing yards.

Worst guy to sit behind: Big Bird is a kind, lovable, and bright character who has taught kids how to count and properly sing songs about the letters of the alphabet. But football is far too violent for a mutant bird. (again via Mocksession.com)

Most senseless score: Originally this award was titled “most boring score,” because since we’re so diligent and dedicated we often work ahead before a game has concluded, and at the time the Saints/Rams game was the perfect remedy for insomnia. Unbelievably, with only a few minutes left in the first half there were zeros on the scoreboard for both teams.

Thankfully, we don’t write damning statements on rock-like surfaces around here, because in the last six minutes of the second quarter St. Louis scored 17 points, leading to a score that was far from boring, and an improbable 31-21 win by a team with A.J. Feeley as its starting quarterback.

It was as though these two teams switched personalities for an afternoon. Over their last three games the Rams had given up 586 rushing yards, rounding out to a pretty gruesome 195.3 yards per game over that stretch. But today they held New Orleans’ three-headed monstrosity to just 56 yards on the ground. Meanwhile Jackson had his aforementioned adventure in his time machine, and the dominance of St. Louis’ defensive line was highlighted by Chris Long’s feats of strength.

A usually sound Saints offensive line that was averaging 1.8 sacks per game watched as Drew Bress crumpled to the ground six times today, three of which were while he was in Long’s grasp.

Easiest opportunity for an obvious statement: Patrick Peterson sure seems to be riding this whole athletic, electrifying thing quite well…

Three thoughts on the Week 8 early games, starting with the most shocking final score of the season thus far…

What the hell just happened in St. Louis?

The big joke all week was that the Saints scored more points against the Colts Sunday night than the Rams had scored all season. New Orleans-St. Louis was, like, the mismatch of the year. And then the Rams went out and not only beat the Saints, but dominated them.

This is almost impossible to explain, but we’ll try to do so by stating that the Rams had a darling game plan. They simply ran Steven Jackson down the throat of a defense that had surrendered a putrid 5.4 yards per carry. By building an early lead against a team missing its top back in Mark Ingram, they were able to force the Saints to be one-dimensional. This is what teams did against New Orleans when all of their running backs were hurt last year, and it worked quite often. Then they dialed up the pass rush on Drew Brees, recording a season-high six sacks (didn’t even have to check that stat). The rest is history.

It’s a huge loss for the Saints, who now have to deal with tough division rivals Tampa and Atlanta in back-to-back weeks. They only have two games remaining against teams with losing records, so they can’t afford to lay eggs against terrible opponents.

Updating the Suck for Luck sweepstakes

The St. Louis win hurts the Rams in the race for the No. 1 overall pick in the 2012 draft. Considering that they already play in the NFC West, they might be out of contention before long. That leaves Miami and Indianapolis, both of whom lost during the early slate of games. Both the Dolphins and Colts remain winless, but I’m giving the Suck for Luck edge to the Colts, who have one more loss under their belt and who appear to be getting worse as the season progresses.

In the Dolphins’ defense, they’ve jumped out to early leads in back-to-back games, and they nearly beat a decent Giants team coming off their bye. They’re competing. The Colts aren’t. Indy was outplayed badly by the fairly bad Titans, one week after getting demolished by the Saints. If they can’t beat Jacksonville and/or Carolina in their next two games, they’ll be heavy favorites to land the top pick, which would almost certainly see them land Andrew Luck. And if the Colts don’t win one of those next two games, there’s a decent chance they find themselves in company with the 2008 Detroit Lions.

Sign of trouble in Baltimore

The Ravens once again looked lame against an inferior opponent, but this time they survived. By my subjective measure, Baltimore has played four below-average teams this season: Tennessee, St. Louis, Jacksonville and Arizona. They’re 2-2 in those affairs, and they had to come back from a 17-point deficit to sneak past the Cardinals today.

Here’s the good news for Ravens fans: You won’t have to deal with mediocre teams in January. The question, now, is whether this team can make it to January. While it wouldn’t be surprising to see them win in Pittsburgh next week, they’ll be underdogs. And beyond that, the schedule is very weak. The Ravens “benefit” from playing the AFC South and NFC West this year, which means Seattle and Indianapolis lie ahead, as well as weak division opponents Cincinnati (twice) and Cleveland (twice).

If Baltimore can’t learn to stop taking bad teams lightly, it’ll have a real tough time earning a playoff spot in the AFC.