Archive for December 4th, 2011

Best mutant football player: The Cowboys didn’t claim Donovan McNabb to be Tony Romo’s new backup, and now we know why.

Earlier today they revealed their new second-stringer. His name is Zilgore, and he’s from the the planet Zilgex, a foreign land several galaxies away. He speaks very little English, but while he was warming up today prior to Dallas’ clustostrophe of a loss in Arizona, it quickly became obvious that he has tremendous arm strength.

He completed a pass to a homeless man outside of Cowboys Stadium.

(via Getty Images)

Easiest scapegoat: Jason Garrett’s odd and inexplicable decision to call a timeout and ice his own kicker will rightfully receive a large chunk of the blame for Dallas’ latest December debacle. Then the masses will turn to Tony Romo, because that’s what the masses do, especially in December.

They’ll call Romo a hater of all things Christmas, and the Super Bowl Scrooge who routinely teases those fragile Dallas hearts in November, before destructing in December. It’s true that a Romo crumble is as much a part of the holiday season as nana’s cranberry sauce, a snowman who walks and talks, and Mr. Hankey.

Romo’s all-time record in December is 10-14, and he’s 18-2 in November. His poor December numbers go beyond wins and losses, and in 2008, for example, Romo’s completion percentage dropped six points from November to December, and his yards per attempt declined by nearly three yards.

So we take that history, and we routinely use it as late-season ammunition against Romo, and often he’s deserves that gunfire. Just not today.

Not on a day when he didn’t throw an interception, and he completed 66.7 percent of his pass attempts. And not on a day when Dallas’ secondary allowed sophomore receiver Andre Roberts to finish with 111 receiving yards on six catches, the same Andre Roberts who had only one game with over 60 receiving yards in his 25 career games prior to today. Who was the opponent in that other 60-plus yard game during Roberts’ rookie season? The Cowboys, when he finished with 110 yards and a touchdown in Week 16 last year, with 74 of those yards coming on one play.

No, a far more appropriate Cowboys scapegoat is the running game, with everyman DeMarco Murray plummeting back through several stratospheres and finishing with just 38 rushing yards on 12 carries, and averaging just 3.2 yards per carry after he averaged a minimum of six yards when he emerged between Weeks 7 and 11.

Dallas finished with only 75 rushing yards between Murray, Felix Jones, and Romo against an Arizona defense allowing 123.5 yards per game on the ground.

Worst hand placement: Sacked indeed. (via Mocksession.com)

Tallest sideline photographer: NFL photographers are usually either rake-like in their appearance, or rotund and spherical. There are, well, just photographers, a noble and passionate pursuit, but a job nonetheless.

Randy Johnson is 6’10″, and he’s second all-time in strikeouts after spending 22 years as one of the most powerful pitchers in Major League Baseball history. So he’s not small, physically inept, or inconspicuous.

But there he was on the sidelines in Arizona partaking in his new retirement hobby of photography, and easily looking the part with his NFL vest. Johnson’s quickly getting addicted to his hobby, and this past summer he was in the pit at Lollapalooza in Chicago to personally document Soundgarden’s set.

This is a significant shift from Johnson’s previous relationship with cameras, which mostly consisted of smashing them on the cold, hard concrete of New York city streets.

Thank goodness the Packers won’t have to play any road playoff games

Some might argue that Green Bay just survived its toughest test yet by winning as the clock expired at MetLife Stadium. And considering that the Giants were desperate at home, that wouldn’t be an outlandish suggestion. It was obviously the closest the Packers have come to losing this year, but it wasn’t the first time this year that they’ve had to work a little harder than expected on the road.

This is a team that fell behind 13-0 in Carolina in Week 2, trailed the Vikings at halftime in Week 7 and barely hung on despite surrendering 38 points in San Diego in Week 9.

But they’ve survived, and now the tests are over. Their only remaining road game takes place in Kansas City, which shouldn’t be too challenging. In their other three remaining games, they host Oakland, Chicago and Detroit, all of whom have struggled lately, especially on the road.

At this point, it’s very difficult to imagine Green Bay not going 16-0. Beyond that, based on how great the offense has been at home, it’s also pretty hard to imagine a Super Bowl game in Indy on Feb. 5 that doesn’t have the Packers in it.

So 18-0 should happen. Then the question will become whether they follow the path of the 1972 Dolphins or the 2007 Patriots. If it’s the latter, this will all have been irrelevant to Aaron Rodgers and Co.

Making sense of Arizona 19, Dallas 13

The Cowboys obviously had no business losing in Glendale. They were more rested and they are significantly more talented.

But let’s not overreact.

First of all, this was not a trap game. The Cowboys beat an average Miami team last week and have a slumping Giants team on deck. They weren’t looking past the Cardinals. They remember what happened when they played the Cards at the very same site last December. For whatever reason, they’ve struggled to stop, of all people, Andre Roberts. And for whatever reason, Arizona has their number.

That marks the third straight time Arizona has beaten Dallas at home, all in the last four years.

Also in the Cards’ defense, they’re 16-12 at home dating back to the start of the 2008 season. Over that same span, Dallas is just 14-15 away from home. Even while they’ve struggled the last two years, the Cards are still 6-6 at University of Phoenix Stadium.

And that’s why this result shouldn’t surprise anyone (Dallas was only a 4.5-point favorite in Vegas). And that’s something that should provide some relief for Dallas fans. This loss wasn’t an omen that the team is about to suffer another December collapse. This loss was just another loss for a team that, let’s face it, might have been due for one.

Of course, that doesn’t mean a December collapse won’t still happen. And Jason Garrett’s terrible clock management late in regulation probably has fans fearing that they’re about to become snake bite victims yet again. I don’t blame them, but they should take solace in the fact that every other team in the mediocre NFC East lost this week.

49ers, Ravens benefit from rest

While the Cowboys didn’t take advantage of an extra three days to prepare for their next opponent after playing on Thanksgiving Day, the Ravens and 49ers were superb after receiving mini bye weeks.

In the other two late Sunday starts, Baltimore and San Francisco outscored their opponents 50-10 in easy victories against weak teams. Both defenses pitched shutouts in the first half.

Both teams did what they do best, with the Ravens making Colt McCoy’s life hell and the Niners shutting down Steven Jackson. The Rams managed just 157 total yards in San Fran; Cleveland had 233 against Baltimore.

Taking care of business against inferior teams in methodical fashion. That’s what good teams have to do in December. The Ravens had been struggling this season against weaker teams, while Niners fans were likely a little on edge after a tough outing in Baltimore last week. But on Sunday, both teams delivered statements with clean, efficient victories.

Best motorized sideline device: Later on this afternoon Matt Schaub is starring in the latest Life Alert commercial, and he also has the pole position tomorrow morning in the senior scooter circuit.

Best leisurely game of catch in the backfield: I’d love to embed the video of the Panthers getting creative, and offensive coordinator Rob Chudzinski calling a play in which Cam Newton threw across the field to wide receiver Legedu Naanee, then Nanaee threw back to Newton, and Newton ran for 27 yards and nearly scored.

Yes, I’d love to do that, but NFL.com guards its video content like a dictator ruling over his feeble, weak masses, and the Internets failed us in the search for other free visual stimulation. So, please accept my apologies for making you expand energy for a mouse click to view Carolina’s game of backfield catch.

Worst injury luck in the history of organized sports: Eric Berry, Jamaal Charles, and Tony Moeaki are long gone for Kansas City, and that was painful enough. Somehow after those injuries they managed to win three games in a row, and still maintain a respectable record despite the constantly booked training room.

Then Matt Cassel went down, prompting GM Scott Pioli to claim Kyle Orton off of waivers. So of course Orton dislocated his finger on his first throw as a Chief after he replaced Tyler Palko today due to his continued crappiness. That, friends, is how you spend $3 million.

Most believable fake Twitter account: At this point, it’s about moral victories for Palko. Every completed pass is an accomplishment, as is every safe handoff. Between Palko and Caleb Hanie, the Bears-Chiefs game was often painful when a quarterback was actually asked to execute a forward pass.

So yeah, at some point today Palko’s imaginary glass was half filled with imaginary liquid, and he was just proud to be accomplishing anything.

Most depleted team: The Chiefs received the worst injury luck in the history of sports award because of the sheer hilarity of their quarterback situation. But the Texans are making a strong and persistent bid to take over that title, with Brian Cushing going down in the first half of their win over Atlanta today with a knee injury before returning in the third quarter.

That was only a minor scare, and the even scarier minor scare came later when Andre Johnson injured his left hamstring, evening out his anatomical maladies after he recovered from an injury to his right hamstring earlier this year. His latest strain isn’t believed to be serious, but you have to wonder what the hell this team did to piss off the karma police.

Matt Schaub, Matt Leinart, and Mario Williams are done for the year, and Houston can barely make it through a week without the threat of another major injury.

Worst calendar neglect: It’s now the fourth day of December, meaning Movember was officially over four days ago. But the Broncos are apparently bigger than the calendar, and they won’t allow an arbitrary date to control their facial foliage.

Most absurd halftime stat: Christian Ponder is a rookie quarter who’s played like a rookie quarterback at times, and at times he’s also impressed. So he’s done exactly what should realistically be expected of a first-year signal caller, and the Vikings haven’t been shy about putting a heavy workload on his arm.

That’s been especially true over the last two weeks with Adrian Peterson out, and it reached absurd levels today. At halftime of Minnesota’s loss to Denver Ponder was on pace for 59 pass attempts after averaging 28.2 attempts per game this year. Ponder’s pace slowed in the second half, but he still established a career and season high with 47 attempts, easily passing his previous high of 34.

Most Tim Tebow halftime stat: Remember that crazy, wicked, and fun Naanee video that I made you click? Well, that pass meant that with the two games at halftime, Tim Tebow only had two more passing yards than Naanee.

That changed quickly in the second half as Tebow parted seas and defenders once again, which shows that yards can often be a poor stat to use while gauging a quarterback. It also shows that there’s actually a Tebow clone, with the real god-like figure showing up weekly in the second half.

Most indifferent fan base: On average there are nearly 16,000 empty seats at Sun Life Stadium in Miami for Dolphins home games, which is a reflection of the growing apathy during the Tony Sparano era despite more winning recently.

That number is meaningless, though, unless you can see it. And once you see it, you’ll want to look away pretty quickly.

Worst blatant overstatement: Needlessly applying a narrative to a dramatic situation that doesn’t need one is the most annoying habit of hack sports broadcasters.

I generally like Brian Billick’s work for Fox, and he was the analyst during the latest act of Tebow heroism this afternoon. And I clearly agree with Billick when he implied that winning a road game is a difficult task in the NFL.

But Brian, the legend of Tebow doesn’t need your help. Nobody likes overly-dramatized, and statistically incorrect statements, except maybe the legions of casual fans sitting at home who believe every word said by a former coach or player.

Tamest ejection: Raiders defensive lineman Richard Seymour has started to develop a bit of a Dennis Rodman reputation since he one-punched Ben Roethlisberger last year, dropping the Steelers quarterback to the ground and getting ejected immediately.

So maybe that’s why the officials today in Miami were so quick with the hook when Seymour slapped Dolphins tackle Richie Incognito. The slap was the kind of tame, aggressive contact seen frequently, especially in a blowout game with frustrations mounting. It was really just an innocent case of 300-pound boys being 300-pound boys, and Seymour became the scapegoat for a set of officials wanting to maintain control of a game that wasn’t really a game at all anymore.

The problem is it was Seymour’s second ejection in less than a year. He was fined $25,000 for the Big Ben knockdown, and a suspension could be forthcoming now while the Raiders are still trying to cling to their playoff lives, with the Broncos steaming ahead and taking over first in the AFC West.

The officials may have overreacted, but Seymour needs to be aware of his reputation and extract himself from situations that could lead to a quick and overzealous flag. He wasn’t, and instead he chose to be selfish, and in doing so he could strip his team of its best interior defender during a crucial Week 14 game.

For weeks, the Detroit Lions have been losing momentum in the NFC playoff race. They came into today out of playoff positioning for the first time all year, and morale was low with a tough game in New Orleans tonight sans Ndamukong Suh.

But while nothing’s changed regarding tonight’s game at the Superdome, the Lions will at least enter it knowing that their playoff chances have already improved drastically based on the events that took place Sunday afternoon.

Just look at the state of the two teams that held the NFC’s wild-card spots heading into Week 13.

The fifth-seeded Bears managed just three points in a home loss to a bad Chiefs team. It’s hard to use the “we didn’t have our starting quarterback” excuse when you lose to a team led by a guy named Tyler Palko at quarterback, but Chicago can definitely use Matt Forte’s absence to help explain what happened at Soldier Field this afternoon.

Two weeks after losing their second-best offensive player for an indefinite amount of time, the Bears lost their best offensive player to a knee injury early in today’s game. Without Forte, Marion Barber led the team in rushing with just 44 yards on 14 carries.

They couldn’t sustain drives, and on the rare instances in which they hit the KC red zone, mistakes did them in.

First, an illegal formation penalty cost them a touchdown in the second quarter (they settled for a field goal, their only points of the game).

Then, on their next possession, a nine-yard Hanie sack and a delay-of-game penalty brought them out of field goal range and they were forced to punt.

And later, with Chicago trying to tie the game in the final minutes, Hanie threw an interception in the end zone (one of three on the day and six in two weeks).

They were out of their element without Forte and Cutler. The good news is that it doesn’t sound like Forte tore anything. The bad news is that there are only four weeks remaining in the season and the Bears are now 0-2 in the post-Cutler era (after winning five straight prior to the Cutler injury).

The injuries hurt, obviously, but the circumstances surrounding this loss were particularly painful. In the end, this fluke play was the difference on a nightmare day for the Bears.

At the same time, the sixth-seeded Atlanta Falcons were equally as disappointing in Houston, where they lost to a fifth-round rookie making his first career start. To boot, the Texans were without Andre Johnson and Brian Cushing for solid chunks of the game. But Atlanta still blew a chance to get a leg up on their wild-card competitors.

Wade Phillips’ defense completely shut down Michael Turner and Matt Ryan. Turner pulled a Marion Barber with 44 yards on 14 carries while Ryan completed just 43 percent of his passes. Atlanta’s only touchdown came after Gary Kubiak foolishly handed them a very short field by attempting a 54-yard field goal with a 10-3 lead. Julio Jones and Roddy White each had crucial drops (what’s new?) and the Falcons defense couldn’t make stops when it mattered.

Now at 7-5, the Falcons don’t know who to cheer for tonight. A win from the Saints puts New Orleans up 2.5 games in the NFC South, which pretty much means the fat lady will be warming up there. But a win from the Lions knocks Atlanta out of the playoff picture for the time being.

With injuries and mistakes plaguing everyone involved in the race, it’s beginning to look as though we’ll be using the words “by default” to describe how the eventual wild-card teams managed to get into the playoffs.

And for the Packers, 49ers, Saints and Cowboys, that’s great news.