It’s the holiday season. You’re stressed, and you’re frustrated, and that’s only because you have no idea what the hell you’re going to cook for dinner tonight. Don’t worry, we’ll take care of everything, and if you follow the ideas in this post that we’ll keeping rolling out until St. Nick boards his sleigh, you’ll have squiggly lines through the names on that list in no time.

When shopping for the perfect, thoughtful gift for the football fan in your life, it’s important to keep novelty in mind. Sure, team-oriented beer mugs and coffee cups are practical, but the true, Sunday couch-grooving football fan needs something unique, something that he can put in his hallowed sports den and mount it in a showcase.

It’s the kind of item that creates instant male jealousy, and is a looming symbol of a man’s Alpha status. We’re talking about more than just collectibles here–we want statues of supremacy that beam proudly in rooms or offices filled with testosterone.

We want Ryan Leaf.

5. The Ryan Leaf rookie card

Current eBay price: $1.00

The figurative price of failure is substantial, but the literal price is actually quite affordable. By comparison, the price of Peyton Manning’s rookie card varies, but some are valued at up to $2,000.

4. Own visual evidence that a kicker had a better career than Leaf

Current price: $5.50

This limited edition card celebrates three prominent and proud members of the Washington State alumni: Leaf, Drew Bledsoe, and current Lions kicker Jason Hanson. Sadly, the card’s value is significantly lowered by Leaf’s presence.

3. Proudly wear the pain of Leaf’s first crushing defeat

Current price: $45.00

The eBay price here is a little steeper than the rest of the items on this list, but we assume that’s because Leaf signed the brim of this hat for the 1998 Rose Bowl, a game Washington lost 21-16 to the Michigan Wolverines. It was Leafs’ last game as a Cougar, and it was also likely the last game in which he experienced any personal satisfaction while playing football.

So this is a piece of history in more ways than one. If nothing else, you can purchase a new hat for the fisherman on your list.

2. A high-class portrait for a high-class man

Current price: $8.00

Is your significant other’s office desk looking bare and bland? Get him/her (especially her) this 1996 portrait of Leaf during much happier times when he was an all-American at Washington State. It’ll be an instant conversation starter.

1. Everyone wants to cuddle with Ryan Leaf

Current price: $3.99

He’s cute, he’s fluffy, and he throws interceptions better than any other teddy bear on the market. Yes kids, it’s the limited edition Ryan Leaf teddy bear, and according to the eBay description, this gem is ideal for the young and blossoming Chargers fan hoping to learn about the team’s history, and relive its glory.

This bear was part of a collector series from 1998.  This great bear is about 10″ long and features the players name and number on the back.

These would be a great item for the Chargers Fan in your life, or maybe for the young new fan.

Don’t talk to the cute little bear, though. He doesn’t like that.

Last week’s Christmas wishlist: Tim Tebow shirts.