Trust me kid, you can do better. Much better.

It’s the holiday season. You’re stressed, and you’re frustrated, and that’s only because you have no idea what the hell you’re going to cook for dinner tonight. Don’t worry, we’ll take care of everything, and if you follow the ideas in this post that we’ll keeping rolling out until St. Nick boards his sleigh, you’ll have squiggly lines through the names on that list in no time.

Every family is weird, there’s just different levels of weirdness. Maybe you have an uncle who’s a history buff, and over the holiday season he’ll be glad to tell you the fine historic details of every place and building you visit on a daily basis. This is barely tolerable, yet still very normal.

In many families there’s also the guy who collects stuff, and while his stuff may have a common thread–for our purposes, it’s football–there’s usually a much deeper motivation. It has to be a rare oddity, one that makes visitors to the relative’s dungeon of stuff say “wow, I’ve never seen one of those before!” while also silently wondering why anyone would ever want one of those, whatever the item in question may be.

In this sense, the eBay rarities below have something in common with the signed swag, which was the subject of last week’s Christmas wishlist. The difference is that while few Rob Johnson cards are in circulation, there’s still enough flying around that the level of obscurity is diminished.

Whether it’s clothes, jackets, or inanimate objects, we went looking for true oddities.

5. A warm, welcoming, and kind Steelers gnome

Current price: $24.99

She’s nice, and gentle looking, and according to the seller she is 12 inches tall from the bottom of her shoes to the tip of her curly black hat.

This is an ideal gift for the husband, father, or boyfriend on your list who lives deep in the country or backwoods, making the commute to either the bar or a friend’s house to watch the game too inconvenient. Now he can put grandma Steeler gnome in the living room, and he’ll have endless company on Sundays.

She’ll stare at the game, and she’ll stare at him. All day.

4. Nothing says die-hard like cuddly farm animals

Current price: $25.99

I’ve heard of NFL potato heads, and perhaps even pigs, kangaroos, and duck-billed platypuses, but never a cow.

For young fans, this has the dual function of being both team gear and a friendly stuffed animal. For older fans, this gift can be another game-watching companion, just like grandma gnome.

3. Lynn Swann wants you to buy Hi-C

Current price: $2.99

Swann, a Hall of Fame wide receiver for the Steelers who retired in 1982, was the national pitchman for Hi-C at one point during his career.

The truly obsessed collector will already own this can, and likely several duplicates. But if you’re buying for a beginner, be sure to pair the pint-sized Swann with a box of Flutie Flakes, as both are mandatory items for any man cave.

2. Ladies love a man in leather

Current price: $94.32

Only spend this much on someone who regularly needs a quality leather jacket while traveling to high-class business meetings. If they won’t use upper echelon, next level body coating like it’s meant to be used, don’t bother.

1. Redskins flower power

Current price: $24.99

There are few times in life when you can look like someone who should be hanging out on the corner of Haight and Ashbury in 1967, while also supporting your favorite local sports team. The Redskins fan on your list wouldn’t let this chance pass them by, so neither should you.

This Christmas, give the gift of hippie.