When you’re really, really
ridiculously good looking loved by a group of people, you can measure that love by the number of songs they make in your honor. By this logic, no one likes me.
But that’s not important right now. What’s important is the Internet’s love for Tim Tebow in lyrical form, and just how much the Tebow infatuation has grown over the past year.
‘Tis the season to be merry and gleeful, and to sing. It’s difficult to go more than an hour without hearing Christmas music right now, and it’s also difficult to go more than eight seconds without seeing some mention of Tebow either on the Internet, or on the television, where he recently occupied a whole hour of prime real estate on the Worldwide Leader.
Since we’ve already spread the holiday cheer this week, and since Tebowmania is reaching a frenzied pitch with the playoffs only two weeks away and his clash with Tom Brady still fresh, we thought we’d fight through the tangled Interwebs to find the top 10 Tebow songs, both old and new.
Some instant classics/haunting ear worms have already been widely circulated, so we went a bit deeper. We were looking for dudes wearing Wolf Pack shirts, and chicks holding lighters. We wanted old men strumming guitars, and young men doing Taylor Swift parodies.
Thanks, Internet. You always have everything.
10. Children in Denver used to hear this song every night
The problem with trying to convey anger over the old Kyle Orton vs. Tebow quarterback controversy in Denver is that it’s impossible to be mad at this little cuddly character, who’s apparently and appropriately named Tiny Tim.
9. The love song of Timothy Richard Tebow
“Hey there Tim Tebow, welcome to the mile high city, you’re a great quarterback but your throws they aren’t so pretty, just run the ball.” Lyrical truth has never been so beautiful.
Extra points for the tape over the Brandon Marshall jersey.
8. The soothing sound of the ukulele
Many, many extra points for the ukulele. Soon this song will undoubtedly be performed by Eddie Vedder between sips of white wine.
7. If you’re not Tebowing, you don’t have a prayer
I’m only just now waking up after listening to this, but it’s evidence that the Tebow song genre appeals to all ages and demographics. Somewhere baby boomers are holding their lighters high and throwing their undergarments at computer screens right now.
6. Speaking of lighters…
Christmas Eve congregations in Denver have actually stopped singing the real version of this song.
The choirs also wear eye black. Every choir.
5. “Fifteen can’t pass to save his ass, but this is Denver, not Boston”
Being like Keanu Reeves in The Replacements doesn’t fit, because Tebow’s been put in position to make his heroic comebacks because of his Denver’s strong defense, and Willis McGahee’s running. But it’s still a far better movie metaphor than Billy Bob in Varsity Blues.
4. Tim Tebow is not from Germany
In this song we also learn that Tebow likes chicken dinners. Neat.
3. Tebow is just alright
This song is also performed at churches throughout Denver. In fact, all of these songs are probably regulars at places where religious folk gather.
Except the ukulele song. Ukuleles are the devil.
2. Pixelated praise
John Elway listened to this tune over the summer, and then he immediately requested that Tebow be slotted as the fourth string quarterback solely due to his anger over Broncos fans and their inability to properly re-size a picture.
1. Little Timmy returns
And this time he has a friend, the worst scream in the world, and he confidently declares that “reading defenses and calling audibles is overrated.”
Amen, Timmy. Amen.