Wherever there are large gatherings of people, there will be people singing rhythmic songs who try to persuade the gathering to change their world view on a contentious subject. They’ll also often have creative signs begging for the return of Crystal Pepsi, and cow bells. Everyone needs more cowbell.

So of course protesters who want you to believe something you don’t believe have already surfaced in Indianapolis at the Super Bowl site. They’re singing their peaceful rhymes and thrusting their picket signs proudly into the air while others are just trying to find a bar with Pabst Blue Ribbon on tap, because that’s the beer of football fans, and the beer of all classy people everywhere.

Unless they’re protesting something that’s especially unique or notable, saying there are protesters at the Super Bowl is indeed as useless and redundant as saying there are mountains in the Rocky Mountains, or that pants require legs to be functional. The protesters who’ve yelled about the injustices of the governmental machine in Indianapolis first appeared Saturday, with a group of 75 people marching through the Super Bowl village.

That’s a tiny number, and only about half of those people fell under the category of being remotely unique since they were protesting a proposed labor bill that could be passed later this week in Indiana, while the others were Occupy protesters. The labor bill in question is the state’s right-to-work legislation, be we don’t care too much about that here. If you’d like to read more about it, go ahead.

Here’s the far more pressing matter that has us concerned, and ready to protest the protesters: they picketed at a zip line.

The zip line that functioned as the headquarters for their ire is the kind of zip line that’s made in factories where they make fun, as if there’s any other kind. It’s infused with the spirit of anyone who’s ever done anything that’s fun, and is also really, really ridiculously good looking.

The AP report linked above has the evidence of this radical zip line hostage-taking that could forever change the way people protest the parts of this world that their mind disagrees with:

About 40 people picketed the opening of a zip line in the Village. The 800-foot zip line allows participants to clip onto a wire about 100 feet off the ground and glide almost two blocks.

This is why we can’t have nice things. Soon local unions will form a blockade around White Castle outlets, and when that fails to satisfy their cause they’ll then push to have laws passed which state that men must wear pants in their place of residence at all times. There will be no logic or reason to the damage they’ll cause. It’ll be raw ideological dominance through mental warfare, casualties be damned.

If protesters are ever able stop a zip line, these screams of joy will be silenced, and at least one woman wouldn’t be able to get into any mischief…

Zip line draws raves in Super Bowl Village: wishtv.com