Gather ’round, my fellow Roll Up the Rim-rejoicing and inflatable beaver-infatuated friends. The day has finally come when you no longer have to use your uncle’s address in New Mexico to obtain your fake Packers ownership and stamp of approval.
The Packers are the NFL’s only publicly-owned team, and to much fanfare they had just the fifth stock sale in the franchise’s 92-year history in December. Of the 280,000 available for the blind, Packer-loving sheep to purchase at a tidy sum of $250 each, 17,000 were still available as of Feb. 14. Perhaps a small percentage of Cheeseheads realized that they funnel enough money into their team through tickets and merchandise sales, and purchase a small piece of meaningless paper for over two bills doesn’t seem like a wise use of monetary funds in our trying economic times.
But surely those crazy Canucks up north will soak up the remaining shares required for the luxury box expansion at Lambeau Field. Heck, when we’re not chasing beaver, we’ve got nothing else to do up here, and Packers president and CEO Mark Murphy said that since packersowner.com was originally launched in the U.S. there’s been strong interest from the Great White North, which presumably peaks when hockey isn’t on any TV anywhere.
The cost of a share for Canadians is the same as the American price ($250). But for Americans the handling fee was only $25, and that will be hiked up to $35 for Canadians. Either way, your paper will be handled with care.
The sale ends on Feb. 29, and while Canadian Packers fans are overjoyed at the sale that officially started yesterday, the boys over at Total Packers see this as an act that could defile the sacred Cheesehead.
Our neighbors up in Canuckistan are now able to buy Green Bay Packers stock because, well, you and your highfalutin American ways haven’t given the team enough money. What is essentially America’s team will now have foreign ownership, which probably qualifies as treason or something.
But it’s your fault. You didn’t fork over $275 enough times. The Packers still have 17,000 shares left of the 280,000 they offered. It’s not enough that you go to the games, buy the merchandise and overpay for shitty beer at Lambeau. The Packers require more of your money, dammit! And since you didn’t hand it over when they told you to, you’re getting what you deserve.
Blame Canada. Always blame Canada.