You’re excited for the draft now. We all are, but that excitement could fade a bit once you inevitably discover that after months of smoke, very little fire, misdirections, rumors that attach every team to every player, and trades that involve players who died years ago, at least half of the first round is usually pretty predictable.
So in case things start to get a little stale in the early going once the top 10 goes exactly like 127 mocks said it would, here’s a props sheet that prominently features the jargon set to spill from Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay. Just as we did with the Peyton Manning press conference props and the Tim Tebow presser sheet, we’ll be giving the winner a free one-year subscription to GLS.
For the questions relating to on-camera sightings or any irreverence during the broadcast, we’ll be focusing solely on the ESPN feed. I’m actually attempting to track all of the ridiculousness below, and trying to watch two feeds at one time is both impossible, and unhealthy.
Reactions, on-stage awkwardness, and crowd craziness
1. How will the crowd react to the Jets’ pick?
- A. Cheering (+200)
- B. Booing (-300)
- C. General indifference (-600)
2. What will be the most common greeting by players when they meet Roger Goodell after having their name announced?
- A. Simple handshake (O/U: 20.5)
- B. Shug (for anyone over the age of 35, a “shug” is handshake+hug…O/U: 15.5)
- C. Bear hug (O/U: 4.5)
- D. Bare knuckle fight (O/U: 0.5)
(winner based on totals of each greeting)
3. Will there be anyone in the crowd who’s shirtless? (Yes: +800, No: -300)
4. Will there be any Tebowing? Crowd members, broadcasters, and players all qualify. (Yes: +400, No: -300)
5. How many times will a players’ girlfriend be shown on camera? (O/U: 10.5)
Tales from the talking heads
1. How many times will Kiper and/or McShay pull each of the following clichés out of their deep bags of draft jargon:
- A. Referencing a players’ ability to “see the field” (O/U: 13.5)
- B. Calling a player a “really good kid” (O/U: 10.5)
- C. Saying a player is “big bodied” (O/U: 8.5)
- D. “long armed” (O/U: 5.5)
- E. “cuts on a dime” (O/U: 8.5)
- F. In reference to an offensive lineman, saying he’s a “dancing bear” (O/U: 1.5)
- G. Also for linemen, saying he’s a “knee bender” (O/U: 3. 5)
- H. Calling a linebacker a “false stepper” (O/U: 3.5)
- I. Any use of the word “finesse” (O/U: 7.5)
- J. In reference to a quarterback, calling him a “game manager” (O/U: 1.5)
- K. Also for quarterbacks, any use of “happy feet” (O/U: 1.5)
- L. Regardless of context, any use of “phone booth” (O/U: 2.5)
2. How many times will Canton, Ohio be referenced? (O/U: 6.5)
3. How many times will anyone say “he’s the next [insert really good NFL players' name here]“? (O/U: 9.5)
4. How often will red flags, character concerns, or off field issues be discussed? (O/U: 6.5)
1. The broadcast of the first round is scheduled for three hours. But how much time will elapse between the announcement of the first pick, and pick No. 32? This excludes any preamble Goodell gives at the beginning, and the post-draft coverage. (O/U: two hours and 50 minutes)
2. How many trades will there be? (O/U: 4.5)
3. How many pass rushers (defensive ends and outside linebackers) will be selected in the first round? (O/U: 5.5)
4. Will Ryan Tannehill be a top 10 pick? (Yes: -400, No: +500)
5. Will Brandon Weeden be a first-round pick? (Yes: +300, No: -400)
6. Will Janoris Jenkins be a first-round pick? (Yes: +300, No: -250)